Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, September 7, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The San Francisco Examiner reported Friday the U.S. faces the worst bedbug outbreak in sixty years in hotels, apartments and dorms. The infestation has reached plague levels. Bill Clinton just announced that his foundation will sell the cure at a discount to African nations.
President Obama spent Labor Day relaxing at Camp David on Monday. It’s the most relaxing holiday on the political calendar. Labor Day is a day where Democrats celebrate the labor movement at softball picnics and where Republicans exchange work shirts as gag gifts.
New Zealand was struck by a huge earthquake in the city of Christchurch Friday, leveling buildings. The island is a tidy little settlement of Episcopalians and Methodists. In the earthquake’s aftermath, looters cleaned the local WalMart out of all its golf instructional videos.
Chicago dentist William DeJean financed a TV commercial urging Hillary Clinton to challenge Obama for president in two years. It was the dentist’s idea. It takes a guy with access to laughing gas to figure out a way for Democrats to hold onto the White House next election.
President Obama summoned Tim Geithner back to Washington from vacation Friday to help advisers devise an emergency economic stimulus measure. Before drawing up a plan they all agreed the plan must abide by one ground rule. Leaving people the hell alone is not an option.
President Obama’s personal approval rating was 10 points below Bill Clinton’s personal approval rating in the polls last week. Apparently there’s more public sympathy for an adulterer than a socialist. Everyone’s tempted to cheat but nobody’s tempted to share.
The Census Bureau reported Thursday that the U.S. population actually declined in the last quarter. A big factor is the reduced number of immigrants. At the rate immigration is declining, within three years we could see Americans back at shortstop and third base.
The Mexican Army mobilized in northern Mexico Thursday to try to defeat the violent drug cartels. The mobilization amounts to a government surrender. California, New Mexico, Arizona and Texas wouldn’t be U.S. states today without the help of the Mexican Army.
Las Vegas hotel magnate Steve Wynn announced Thursday he’s banned Paris Hilton from the Wynn Hotel after she was arrested with cocaine in his hotel’s lobby. It may be the nicest hotel in the West. The towels are so thick you can barely close your suitcase.
Crocodile Dundee star Paul Hogan flew from his Los Angeles home to Australia Monday where tax agents seized him during his mother’s open-casket funeral in Sydney. Governments are the same worldwide. The agents have been suspended for not thinking to get her wedding ring.
Geraldo Rivera marked 40 years as a TV investigative reporter Saturday in New York. His post-invasion war reporting got him evicted from Iraq by U.S. generals. This gave Geraldo the distinction of being one of only four men asked to leave Iraq, the other three being Saddam Hussein and his two sons.
The White House ordered the withdrawal of all U.S. combat troops from Iraq last Tuesday which officially ended the Iraq war after seven years. The last U.S. combat troops left Iraq Wednesday. The troops were greeted by parades welcoming them back to Afghanistan.
Fox News ran a poll Friday showing that sixty percent of Americans say it was worth going to war to get rid of Saddam Hussein from power in Baghdad. It was never a secret he used brutal force to hold his country together since a coup brought him to power in 1979. In the sixty-three years of its existence, the CIA has yet to install a philosopher-king.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.7.10

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