Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, September 6, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Rumble in the Jungle wildlife park in Miami erupted in chaos Tuesday after a provoked male tiger broke its cage door and escaped. The visitors were terrified. The tiger was chased through the wildlife park by its mate who was apparently carrying a nine-iron.
Hurricane Earl hit the coast of North Carolina Thursday heading up the Eastern Seaboard. A few of the state governors asked state employees to show residents how to sandbag. Many of them have never leaned on a mop while eating a doughnut and discussing sports.
U.S. Congresswoman Maxine Waters accused the Hurricane Center of racism Thursday for never giving hurricanes an African-American name. She’s right. Just once someone with a black name might like to get into one of these old beach mansions without delivering something.
Lindsay Lohan told Vanity Fair Thursday she became a party animal from hanging out with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. The three girls go way back. Children raised in Beverly Hills are taught from the cradle that you can’t please everybody, eventually you’ll get herpes.
Paris Hilton told Las Vegas police last Friday that the cocaine a cop found inside her purse was chewing gum. It’s quite possible she means it. Back when Paris Hilton was in high school it cost her $3,000 a day to make sure she brought enough gum for everybody.
Frank McCourt revealed in divorce testimony Thurs-day he only had $6 million when he bought the L.A. Dodgers for $500 million six years ago. That was the top of the market. He didn’t think he could afford to buy the team until he got a brochure in the mail offering to loan him $500 million  against his house.
President Obama ducked a question about being a Muslim on NBC Sunday and changed the subject to his birth certificate. His religion is a bit vague. Somebody asked him what he thought of the Apostles Creed and Obama said it was his favorite character in all the Rocky movies.
The Coast Guard responded to an oil rig explosion in the Gulf of Mexico Thursday. Luckily it turned out to be an old dormant well. After the authorities ascertained there was no oil spill, a duck was arrested on the beach for soliciting a bath from a minor.
The White House declared an end to the War in Iraq as U.S. combat troops finished leaving the country. Despite the victory we’re still No.2 in the Top 10. Germany is still No. 1 in the polls, despite its last two losses, based on strength of schedule.
President Obama’s Oval Office speech ending the war in Iraq drew the lowest TV ratings of all his speeches Tuesday. It’s because we all know the war is only technically over. U.S. troops are still hunting al-Qaeda in Iraq, but now they have to wear orange caps.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.6.10

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