Argus Hamilton 9.3.10

Argus Hamilton 9.3.10

Posted: Friday, September 3, 2010 8:02 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Paris Hilton was arrested in Las Vegas for cocaine possession last weekend when coke fell out of her purse while a cop was busting her for pot. Her family is fed up. The Hilton Family Foundation just offered Paris $10 million to change her name to Motel Six.
Hurricane Earl approached the Eastern Seaboard Thursday, churning high surf and powerful riptides and extremely high winds. Evacuations are under way. The good news is that the cars and SUVs heading inland are getting 600 miles per gallon.
The Discovery Channel studio in Maryland was taken hostage by enviro-terrorist James Jay Lee Wednesday. You can spot these guys ahead of time. Anyone who’s ever watched Crazy Assassins Week on the Discovery Channel knows they always go by three names.
The Hispanic Center in Washington reported Wednesday that the number of illegal aliens in the U.S. fell last year. What’s here for them? No one wants to say it feels like this recession is never going to end, but the double-digit unemployment number is now old enough to drink.
Japan won the Little League World Champion-ship in Williamsport Sunday, defeating the U.S. team. It probably set off last week’s Wall Street stock market rally. Getting clobbered by Japan on a Sunday is traditionally the sign that the depression is about to end.
Michael Douglas discussed his throat cancer with Dave Letterman Tuesday. His recovery will proceed in three stages. First the cancer is blasted into remission by radiation, then more radiation eradicates all remaining cancer cells and then he apologizes for all the nasty things he said about nuclear power in The China Syndrome.
The White House hosted Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas for Mideast peace talks Wednesday and they both praised President Obama’s vision for peace. They know the rules. You say that or you don’t get dinner.
President Obama gave a televised address from the Oval Office Tuesday, ending the Iraq War. It forced him to declare victory in a war he bitterly opposed. He looked like Sidney Poitier accepting the Academy Award for Yosemite Sam, except Sidney would be more sincere.
Washington Nationals star rookie Stephen Strasburg injured his pitching arm last week, which could sideline him for two years. He’s already been paid a fortune in up-front millions. Luckily he plays in Washington D.C. so the waste of money went virtually unnoticed.
Hurricane Earl roared toward oceanfront homes from North Carolina to Maryland Wednesday. Paintings and jewelry and fine rugs and clothing could blow everywhere. Last week Democrats called Hurricane Katrina a man-made disaster and this week Republicans are calling Earl just another one of Obama’s spread-the-wealth programs.
Frank McCourt battled Jamie McCourt in divorce court in L.A. Wednesday for control of the Dodgers. No one seems to care. People in Los Angeles used to be riveted by high-profile divorce cases until O.J. Simpson made them look like undercard bouts.
The Texas Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday that gay people can’t get divorced in Texas. It’s not a lifestyle that’s encouraged in the South. Last week a Texas teenager got kicked off his high school football team for saying something witty in the huddle.
Saddam Hussein’s daughter Raisa had no comment Tuesday on the U.S.-declared end of the war in Iraq. She’s living as a guest of the King of Jordan. Every day she looks at the polls and realizes it’s just three years before President Jeb Bush overthrows the guest house.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 9.3.10

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