Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, September 2, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hurricane Earl approached the coast of the Eastern Seaboard Tuesday. It can be rated no higher than Category Five. It must destroy a city full of Democrats while a Republican is president before a hurricane can be classified as a Man-Made Disaster.
Paris Hilton was busted for cocaine in Las Vegas Friday when a cop saw coke in her purse while he was arresting her for smoking pot. She said she thought it was chewing gum. She could be run out of Los Angeles for not knowing that chewing gum is bad for your teeth.
Roger Clemens was booked and fingerprinted in Washington D.C. Monday after he was arraigned on charges of lying to Congress about using steroids. This could revive his pitching career. Not even Gaylord Perry ever tried using fingerprint ink on the ball.
Tiger Woods moved into a bachelor pad in downtown Manhattan Tuesday. The local newspapers said he spent the day introducing himself to his new neighbors and letting them know he’s moving in there. Neighborhood notification is the law in forty-seven states.
President Obama addressed the nation Tuesday to hail the end of the War in Iraq. He was in the odd position of declaring victory in a war he had bitterly opposed. Dick Cheney has changed pacemakers every three months just to make sure he didn’t miss this moment.
President Obama met Tuesday with U.S. troops in Texas who just returned from Iraq. They endured seven years of desert heat, armed resistance, sniper fire and roadside bombings. It was a lot of training but they finally have what it takes to occupy Mexico.
President Obama put a new carpet in the Oval Office Tuesday lined with quotes from Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, MLK, FDR and JFK expressing collectivist sentiments. It seemed skewed. Everybody needs labor votes at some point during their political careers.
White House economists pushed a second trillion dollar stimulus package Monday saying tax cuts would take too long. Why rush things? Chefs say it’s better to cook on a stovetop and see what you’re doing than cook in a microwave and see what you’ve done.
The White House issued a mandate Monday requiring every place that serves food to post the calories of each menu item. Is this wise? Buying larger sized clothes at WalMart every two months is the only thing that’s keeping the U.S. economy going.
Canada’s National Post called for an international law limiting each couple to one son or one daughter. It’s working out that way in California. Every time an earthquake strikes, a flat screen falls off the wall and creates another one-child family.
President Obama met Wednesday with Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu. He urged the Israelis not to bomb Iran’s new nuclear reactor. It’s too deep underground and it would just give Iran’s government another million rocks to throw at the adulterers.
Joe Biden arrived in Baghdad Monday to supervise the U.S. military changeover in Iraq. He’s become our most-feared weapon. The U.S. can destroy the enemy’s poppy cash crop any time simply by having Joe Biden forecast a Summer of Recovery for the Taliban.
Saddam Hussein’s daughter refused comment Tuesday when the Iraq War ended. Her father spent the night before the U.S. invasion warning CBS News viewers about the upcoming insurgency. You could arraign Saddam Hussein for genocide and he’d plead no contest, but he wasn’t about to be hanged for filing a false report home to Langley.
Al-Qaeda repeated its vow to suicide bombers Tuesday that seventy-two virgins await them in Paradise if they martyr themselves for jihad. They’re taking a huge gamble. It’s more likely the seventy-two virgins are seventy-two angry Catholic nuns who used to teach in Catholic schools waiting with baseball bats.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.2.10

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