Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, August 31, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer asked a U.S. court to revive Arizona’s crackdown law on illegal aliens. It’s causing chaos in the courts. In Los Angeles Friday two guys from Mexico showed up in court for their deportation hearing and the judge married them.
David Hasselhoff was chosen to join ABC’s Dancing with the Stars Monday despite his recent health issues. Last year he collapsed on the floor of his Malibu home. Paramedics saved his life by offering to buy his home for fifty percent more than he paid for it.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell urged the NFL to expand the season to eighteen games. This could help Washington D.C. become the permanent host city of the Super Bowl. After the game the president can walk across the street and throw out the first pitch.
President Obama re-mained on Martha’s Vineyard Friday where he played golf night and day. This foretells trouble. The Golf Channel just fired Hank Haney and hired Tiger Woods’ divorce lawyer to show golfers the quickest way to improve their games.
The Gallup Poll on Friday showed the nation deeply split over President Obama. Democrats think he’s Jesus and Republicans think he’s Muslim. Now if just somebody thought he was Moses he could achieve Middle East peace by hosting three-way talks with himself.
Los Angeles schools opened their doors Monday to a record-high number of grade schoolers. It was a crazy day in classrooms. A lot of first-graders broke out crying when the teacher asked them to open up their books and they couldn’t find the on-button.
New Orleans marked the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina on Thursday. The catastrophe mobilized the nation. It was a great moment when President Bush stood in the middle of all the hurricane damage and vowed that we will get whoever did this.
The TSA said Thursday that airport body scanners will be installed in New York and L.A. airports by year’s end. If you refuse to let them see you naked you must let them grope you, either way it’s over in ten seconds. It’s what workaholics everywhere consider the ideal love life.
Bill Clinton was serenaded by pals and celebrities Friday at his sixty-fourth birthday party on Long Island. He really hates getting older. After everyone at the party sang Happy Birthday to him, a registered nurse popped out of a giant bran muffin.
Dennis Rodman revealed plans Friday to write a book about his NBA career and his tabloid–famous love life. It’s all ego. He told a reporter he had sex with two thousand women, which only proves that he’s not one-tenth the player Wilt Chamberlain was.
The Gallup Poll said Thursday that thirty percent of Americans think that the recession has worsened. That explains the salmonella outbreak. It turns out that Americans got nauseous last week when they opened their retirement account statements and saw their nest eggs.
The White House began dropping deportation cases against illegal aliens who aren’t criminals on Friday. The number of border crossings are down to a trickle. Mexicans will put up with low wages, menial jobs and poor health care but they draw the line at Sharia Law.
President Obama backed the Ground Zero mosque last week despite what it might do to Democrats this fall. It turns out the president wasn’t prevented from going in the ocean at Martha’s Vineyard by fecal matter washing up on shore. Those were incumbents.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.31.10

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