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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, August 24, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Roger Clemens was indicted Thursday for telling the U.S. government he never did steroids. The very same day the Iraq War ended, which began when the U.S. government told Roger Clemens that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Let’s just call it even.
Tiger Woods told reporters Friday he hopes to be picked for the Ryder Cup team but he refused to discuss his love life. Everyone else does. The Postal Service just announced plans to honor Tiger Woods by putting his photograph on the overnight stamp.
Brett Favre rejoined the Minnesota Vikings Thursday, causing celebration in the NFL offices and on Madison Avenue. It’s the ratings. Brett Favre draws so many TV viewers that Minnesota can’t even hand the ball over on downs unless advertisers agree.
Larry King’s CNN exit stalled because Englishman Piers Morgan can’t get a work visa to replace King. Foreign work visas are hard to get. There are thousands of softball teams in America and surely one of them has a pitcher who could do that job.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she will host Palestinian-Israeli peace talks in Washington D.C. Observers were surprised the Israelis agreed to come to the United States for the talks. You’d think they would insist on a neutral country.
President Obama arrived at the wealthy retreat Martha’s Vineyard Thursday. The locals weren’t so glad to see him at the rate he wants to tax the rich. A year from now cops will be pulling over NBA players and arresting them for possession of money.
President Obama wasn’t allowed to swim in Martha’s Vineyard Friday because the water is contaminated with noxious fecal bacteria. No one can swim in it. It was just British Petroleum’s luck that last week they opened an egg farm in Massachusetts.
President Obama played golf on Martha’s Vineyard and then went for a leisurely stroll on the island Friday. At one point he stopped and tossed rocks into a scenic pond. Passersby just assumed that he was a Muslim and the pond had committed adultery.
The White House shrugged off a Time poll Friday saying one-fourth of Americans believe Barack Obama’s a Muslim. It’s a real concern. Most Americans feel the only thing he can do to alter their perception is to change his name back to Cassius Clay.
The White House insisted Friday that President Obama is a Christian. He honors all religions. President Obama had a dinner on Ramadan, he set up a Christmas tree, and for Yom Kippur he’s going to give the Israelis permission to cross Iraqi airspace.
Ground Zero mosque backer Imam Rauf’s wife Daisy Khan said that American Muslims must fight for a bigger society and support the Ground Zero mosque. She wants us to be more tolerant of the people who attacked the World Trade Center. Next they will be demanding affirmative action and that every fourth person on a plane must have a boxcutter.
The FDA recalled four hundred million eggs on Friday after a national outbreak of salmonella poisoning caused thousands to get sick. People took precautions. Every Denny’s served the Grand Slam Breakfast with an airsickness bag as a place mat.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.24.10

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