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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, August 20, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin revealed Monday he may add Tiger Woods to the U.S. Ryder Cup team next month. The format is the U.S. vs. the World. President Obama was asked to serve as referee since he’s made it clear he doesn’t have a dog in this fight.
President Obama was ripped in Los Angeles for tying up traffic when he arrived in town this week. It got worse. Imagine the anger that erupted after he endorsed the building of a Museum of Human Tolerance just a few blocks from Mel Gibson’s house.
The New Republic’s editor wrote an essay about President Obama Wednesday where he reveals that Obama’s campaign aides two years ago routinely referred to him as Black Jesus. Democrats don’t call him that anymore. Now they call him Hubris Humphrey.
Pakistanis rioted in the cities of Karachi over the government’s slow response to flooding on Wednesday. Mobs of Pakistanis ran wild looting and burning. From a helicopter it looked like six Los Angeles high schools getting out at the same time.
The Pentagon said the last U.S. combat brigade left Iraq ending the Iraq war. It signified a triumph for U.S. and British interests there. We toppled Saddam Hussein and divided Iraq into three different countries — regular, unleaded and unleaded supreme.
Brett Favre returned to the Minnesota Vikings Tuesday at age 41. He has had six knee, back and ankle surgeries. Last night the Vikings went to a Mexican nightclub and heard a castanet solo, and that was just Brett getting out of his chair.
Jack Daniel’s launched a campaign to recognize the whiskey’s place in Washington D.C. lore. Lyndon Johnson used to serve it regularly to senators. Nobody knows how many Southern Democrats voted for the Civil Rights Act thinking it was a water project.
Betty White signed a book deal to write her autobiography Monday. She’s a folk hero. Millions have looked at their retirement statements and calmed themselves down with the thought that they can host Saturday Night Live when they’re 88.
California’s Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that Americans have the free speech right to lie about winning military medals. It’s now a First Amendment right to lie. Whenever God gives Rod Blagojevich a good week it lasts the entire seven days.
Nancy Pelosi called for an investigation into who’s funding the opposition to that Ground Zero mosque. How much money would it take to pay all the people who are mad about the mosque? The only way there’d be enough money would be if it were BP’s fault.
The White House eased travel to Cuba to permit U.S. students to travel there. It could backfire. People who come back are going to demand the repeal of health care reform after they find that it means everyone has to drive 50-year-old Chevys.
President Obama said Wednesday he has no regrets about endorsing a mosque near Ground Zero. He said this just before he spent the week campaigning for Democrats who are in big trouble. They weren’t in trouble until he started campaigning for them.
The Republican Governors Association got a million-dollar donation Monday from Fox News Channel’s parent company. It’s owned by Rupert Murdoch. He gives it to the Republicans because if he gives to the anchors it will look like he’s keeping a harem.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.20.10

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