Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, August 12, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods consulted a swing coach Monday before the PGA Championship. He got some great advice. After reviewing video, the coach told Tiger to marry a pretend wife and cheat on her, but Liza Minnelli wants more money than he’s willing to pay her.
Michelle Obama’s solo vacation to Spain ignited a nationwide firestorm Tuesday over its opulence. No one anticipated the controversy. Her meeting with Spain’s King Juan Carlos caused an uproar when he served her an after-dinner conflict diamond.
President Obama will take his family to the Gulf Coast for one night this weekend, a week after BP cleaned up the oil spill. The president wants to get in and out of there quickly. He refuses to have his picture taken with a private enterprise success story.
Texas Democratic governor candidate Bill White refused to be photographed next to President Obama at his Austin speech. Texans are concerned about Obama’s lack of religious practice. In two years he hasn’t attended one high school football game.
Dan Quayle’s son, GOP congressional candidate Ben Quayle, was accused Tuesday of founding a website called Dirty Scottsdale. He blogged about hot women. When an examination of the blog posts showed perfect spelling his dad had to take a paternity test.
White House spokesman Robert Gibbs complained Monday about Democratic liberals who say President Obama is like George W. Bush. He said they should be drug-tested. It threw the same scare into Democrats that an IRS audit would throw into Republicans.
The Wall Street Journal urged Democrats Monday to reclaim Bill Clinton’s magic by making Hillary the next vice president. The secret to his popularity is obvious. He gave us peace and prosperity and sex scandals and his health care bill didn’t pass.
The Weather Channel reported Tuesday the Eastern Seaboard from Maine to Florida had its hottest July in recorded history. It’s been especially hot in Washington D.C. Yesterday morning members of Congress went outside and just assumed they had died.
Congressman Charlie Rangel denied breaking any ethics rules in a grandiloquent floor speech Tuesday. He’s old school. Charlie Rangel could get caught coming out of a strip bar and he would convince you he was only trying to support single mothers.
Congress passed $26 billion for states to give teachers on Tuesday. The GOP says the bill lets states spend it on anything. California’s getting $2.5 billion and they plan to spend it on TV commercials asking for more money.
California officials forecast a huge voter turnout in November with the Senate and governor’s race on the line. There are also three popular propositions on the ballot. If all three pass, illegal aliens who are gay can marry their marijuana plants.
Homeland Security warned of terror attacks designed by al-Qaeda’s new planning director Friday. They’re said to be wielding hydrogen peroxide bombs. If one of them goes off it could make Fox News anchors out of every woman within a four-block radius.
Jet Blue flight attendant Steve Slater snapped while landing at JFK Monday and cussed out the passengers on the PA for their rudeness. He then grabbed two beers from the galley and slid down the emergency chute. Six federal agent squad cars were at his house one hour later to collect the airline’s $20 for the two beers.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.12.10

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