Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, July 30, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

ENID, OKLAHOMA — Happy Birthday Mom, and how’s everybody?
BP CEO Tony Hayward was fired Monday and replaced by American Robert Dudley of Gulfport. Democrats are aghast. In eighteen months the Obama administration has created one decent job and wouldn’t you know it went to a white guy from Mississippi.
Jeb Bush told a Louisville TV station he’s not running for president in the next election. It was a disappointment. Americans have always been mildly curious about what a Bush would do in the White House if Iraq was already invaded when he got there.
The White House convinced a federal judge to stay Arizona’s new immigration law Wednesday. This administration doesn’t know Westerners. Secession is so imminent people are selling their fifty-star American flags on eBay as soon-to-be-collectibles.
Arizona’s illegals fled the state before a judge could rule on the new immigration law. The state emptied out. By week’s end, teenagers were making so much money mowing lawns in Scottsdale that President Obama appointed a pay commissioner to make them give it back.
President Obama did The View, becoming the first president to do a daytime talk show. At least it’s something. He has to find some way of getting in the history books after African-Americans began referring to him as our first Hawaiiian president.
Michelle Obama will go to Spain without the president although it’s his birthday next week. She booked thirty five-star hotel rooms using taxpayer money in the middle of a recession. This is why the White House has built-in marriage counselor quarters.
Brett Favre told ESPN Thursday he might have to retire from the NFL because of nagging injuries and surgery. The fans play along. Every summer the only thing that keeps the economy alive in the Midwest is fans buying going-away gifts for Brett Favre.
Greenpeace activists prevented London motorists from pulling into BP stations for gas Tuesday. They stood at entrances and wouldn’t let cars enter. They tried this once in Los Angeles and within two minutes they had new careers as hood ornaments.
BP’s oil spill vanished without a trace in the Gulf of Mexico Tuesday leaving a sparkling sea for all to enjoy. Scientists explained the ocean contains microbes which eat petroleum. General Motors executives can’t believe they spent billions of dollars on an electric car only to find out that oil is the cleanest fuel on earth.
The White House appointed a commission to deal with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac after ignoring them in the financial reform bill. The two companies help people with no money and bad credit go deep in debt to buy a bigger house. When the commission gives its final report it will declare the laws of mathematics to be the new Jim Crow.
Dan Quayle did interviews Tuesday promoting his son’s congressional race. The ex-vice president is a casualty of the Internet age. Ten years ago Dan Quayle was heir to a chain of newspapers and today he’s the ancestor of every Joe Biden joke.
The DEA tipped off Russian police Monday to bust a Moscow club owner who tried to ship twenty-three pounds of cocaine to Moscow from the U.S. Everybody on Wall Street had the same reaction. Next month’s export numbers are going to look terrible.
George W. Bush’s personal approval ratings shot up ten points in the last month in the latest Gallup poll out Monday. It’s nostalgia. Who would have thought two years ago that four dollar gasoline and an unnecessary war would be the good old days.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.30.10

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