Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, July 19, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods teed off in the British Open at St. Andrews Thursday which he had hoped to win using a new putter. He didn’t have a choice. The putter he’s used for years hit him in the head and left him after catching him fooling around with other putters.
Mel Gibson was overheard on tape Friday berating his Russian girlfriend for not making the bed every morning. It says a lot. The crackdown on illegal aliens from Mexico has resulted in Russian supermodels being asked to take up the slack in Malibu.
NBA Commissioner David Stern reported Wednesday that the NBA lost four hundred million dollars during the last year. The players aren’t buying it. Under the new financial reform law any company with a seven-foot-tall workforce is too big to fail.
Senate Democrats passed a financial reform bill Thursday which says nobody can sell a financial product that people don’t understand. From now on the only kind of lending that will be legal is loan sharking. Everybody understands a baseball bat.
George Steinbrenner’s funeral was held in Tampa Saturday. His heirs saved five hundred million in estate taxes because he died by January. The Treasury Department called the hospital Tuesday to demand life support but the kids were too fast for them.
Arizona’s immigration law was argued in a U.S. court in Phoenix Thursday. Outside the court opponents and supporters of the law squared off. It was funny to watch Southerners and Mexicans telling each other to recognize it when they’ve lost the war.
Dick Cheney was fine after he had a heart pump installed Wednesday at Bethesda Hospital. The pump gets the blood flowing freely throughout the body. He had to wait a month before a petroleum engineer at BP was available to perform the procedure.
BP engineers succeeded in capping the gulf well Thursday. It was capped just as the financial reform bill passed Congress. This was the day that everything that’s going wrong stopped being the oil companies’ fault and started being the banks’ fault.
BP capped the well Thursday the same day Toyota cars and Apple iPhones were cleared of malfunction claims. It never ends. Later that day L.A. beachgoers were attacked by stingrays and Democrats demanded that Corvette cover everybody’s health care bill.
BP was accused Thursday by environmentalists who claim the oil spill altered the flight pattern of birds. The plaintiffs had no idea that the well would be capped one hour later by BP. Beach police stayed busy all day ticketing ducks for overacting.
President Obama promised House Democrats he will do everything he can to help get them re-elected this fall. For Democrats, re-election is a life and death issue. Nancy Pelosi will jump off the Golden Gate Bridge before she flies commercial again.
President Obama hit a new low of forty-three percent in his approval ratings Thursday. He should appreciate it while he can. If George W. Bush had hit forty-three percent during his last year in office he would have replaced Bill Clinton as the Comeback Kid.
British immigration officials refused entry to American Indian athletes flying to London for a meet Friday. It’s because their passports were issued by the Iroquois Confederacy and not the U.S. State Department. Britain’s Foreign Office was afraid Obama might invade them if they recognize the Confederacy while he is still president.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.19.10

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