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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, July 6, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
BP pointed out Thursday the oil spill has resulted in thousands of new jobs in the Gulf. They have every right to brag. It just shows a private company can create more jobs when it’s screwing up than a government can when it’s firing on all cylinders.
Portland cops asked Al Gore’s masseuse to provide the DNA stained clothing she saved when he assaulted her.
This is why Al should have succeeded Bill Clinton as president. The first requirement of any civilized society is continuity of government.
Russian billionaire and New Jersey Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov met with LeBron James Thursday. It didn’t last very long. LeBron James had no knowledge of any U.S. defense installations in the greater Cleveland area, much less how to break into them.
Tiger Woods was interviewed by the FBI about an HGH-selling doctor Friday. His agent said the golfer has done absolutely nothing wrong. It’s scary to think Tiger is represented by an agent who hasn’t picked up a newspaper since Thanksgiving weekend.
The White House saw polls Friday which show the people blame the U.S. government as much as BP for the oil spill. Sanity’s been restored. Americans who don’t want to bicycle everywhere they go have concluded after three months that it’s just a duck.
The L.A. Times said Friday that California welfare recipients have used their welfare ATM cards to withdraw five million dollars from ATMs at casinos. The problem can’t be avoided. If you can’t use your welfare card at a liquor store you have to go where the drinks are free.
The DNC proposed four cities Tuesday to host the Democratic Convention in four years. They’re Charlotte, Cleveland, Minneapolis and St. Louis. Democrats want to be sure they hold the convention in a state that’s not going to secede and embarrass them.
Major League Baseball advised Hispanic players Wednesday on how to stay out of trouble when playing in Arizona. That’s wise. Last year in Tijuana three runners were thrown out trying to go from first base to Phoenix on a base hit to right field.
Arizona cops received memos Thursday on how to enforce the new immigration law without engaging in racial profiling. It’s more than a way to secure the border. It’s a way for Swedish tourists to add Mexico to their travel itinerary free of charge.
President Obama gave a speech calling for immigration reform Thursday. Hispanic activists said they hated the speech because it has no specifics. So much for his dream of replacing the Virgin Mary as the leading image on toast in immigrant homes.
President Obama said in his speech Thursday that the U.S.-Mexico border was more secure than in twenty years. That’s to his credit. When his stimulus bill failed to create any jobs last year he had no idea it was just as good as sealing the border.
President Obama angered many American Jews Thursday by comparing their arrival in the United States a century ago from Europe to the crossings from Mexico by illegal aliens.
It’s a pattern by now. President Obama has insulted the Jews so many times that Pat Buchanan is worried about losing speaking gigs to him after he leaves office.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.6.10

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