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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, July 1, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
LeBron James goes on sale today as the NBA free agency market officially opens and he entertains offers from Chicago, Miami and New York. The competition to sign him is fierce. Wherever he moves, the mayor gets credit for creating a high-paying job.
Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan underwent hearings all day Tuesday in the U.S. Senate. Her confirmation would result in a high court made up of three Jews and six Catholics. It’s unusual to have more guilt on the bench than there is in the courtroom.
The U.S. Embassy in London was cited Tuesday for fifty million dollars in unpaid London traffic tickets. The U.S. says it’s exempt from them. It says right there in the United Nations charter that countries which save you from Hitler get free parking.
British Petroleum insisted Tuesday it will maintain its sponsorship of the Olympic Games in London. Don’t miss the opening ceremony. To light the Olympic torch a BP worker is going to perform a shortcut on the natural gas pipe line under the stadium.
BP workers braved a tropical storm Tuesday to continue cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico spill. No one can believe the volume of oil coming out of that well. The dinosaurs must have been holding an Elks Convention in the gulf when that meteor hit.
General Petraeus sailed through his Senate confirmation hearings Tuesday as he prepared to take over U.S. and NATO forces in Kabul. He turned around the war in Iraq and he’s being asked to turn around the war in Afghanistan. This is the kind of training you have to have if you’re going to manage the Cubs to a World Series win.
New York’s new tobacco taxes took effect Wednesday raising cigarette prices to eleven dollars per pack. Legislators know nothing about the underground economy. If they make cigarettes any more expensive they’re going to make crack cost-effective.
Colorado had the lowest rate of adult obesity in the U.S. Tuesday. Mississippi has the highest obesity rate, followed by Alabama and Tennessee. It never occurred to us Southerners that the reason we lost the Civil War was that we’re too easy a target.
The FBI arrested a Russian spy ring operating in the Northeast who were posing as husbands and wives in the suburbs Monday. It was close. They were in the final stages of being Americanized, just a semester shy of mastering conversational Spanish.
Vanity Fair’s new poll shows a fourth of all Americans believe President Obama was born outside the U.S. He’s more multi-cultural than previous presidents. Barack Obama just ordered the Marine Corps Band to add a vuvuzela player to the horn section.
Al Gore’s masseuse gave her account Monday of his behavior in a Portland hotel room during a massage. It’s funny. All these years Tipper Gore has been pushing for explicit sexual warnings on music and now we learn there should’ve been one on Al.
Joe Biden’s speech at a General Electric factory in Kentucky Monday ended when the CEO of GE Appliances fainted and fell on stage. The vice president’s limo has been in three wrecks and TV cameras are always catching him cussing at people. Joe Biden is such a rap star that when the CEO collapsed and fell to the stage, people just assumed he’d been shot.
Sky Chefs airline food provider was cited by U.S. food inspectors Monday who say its food is unsanitary. A food poisoning outbreak on a plane would be disastrous for most major airlines. They need to keep the bathrooms clear for the Mile High Club.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.1.10

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