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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, June 25, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The U.S. soccer team advanced in the World Cup Wednesday with a win over Algeria in Pretoria. Sports bars went wild across America. It fulfilled a lifetime dream for U.S. soccer fans, to be allowed to drink in the morning without being judged for it.
British Petroleum announced Tuesday they plan to remain the biggest sponsor of the Summer Olympics in London. NBC is thrilled. It will break TV ratings records when everybody tunes in to watch volunteers scrubbing the oil off the female swimmers.
The U.S. Open at Pebble Beach drew big ratings for NBC Sunday as late West Coast tee times put Tiger Woods in prime time in the Central and Eastern time zones. His tee shots all wound up in the deep rough. You’d think his caddie would warn him not to text while driving.
Staples Center gave a $10,000 check to an L.A. cab driver whose taxi was burned by the mob after the Lakers won. The cabbie was beaming. He won a radio contest for first car to be fully engulfed in flames and he never won anything before.
New Jersey’s DeCaval-cante crime family was profiled in a CNBC documentary this week called Mob Money. It’s the family The Sopranos was based on. New Jersey is the only state where having a body in the trunk qualifies you to drive in the carpool lane.
Gen. McChrystal was fired by the president for ripping White House policies in Rolling Stone. He didn’t criticize everyone. He raved about Hillary Clinton’s support for the troops in Afghanistan and her ability to get things done, and for that he must go.
Gen. David Petraeus was named commander in Afghanistan Wednesday. Just last week he passed out in the U.S. Senate rather than answer a question on whether he supported President Obama’s Afghanistan policy, and now he’s in charge of it. Now if he can just faint whenever the Rolling Stone reporter shows up, he’s got a job for life.
President Obama called British Prime Minister David Cameron in London Wednesday to tell him of McChrystal’s firing. However, the prime minister was speaking with the Queen and couldn’t be interrupted. Obama told the White House lawyers to find out if he has the authority to fire the Queen and if not, to issue an executive order.
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service shut down the dredging of sand berms intended to protect Louisiana from oil. They say the sand was taken from an island that’s ecosensitive. All that mud and dirt belongs to the nation’s Strategic Tabloid Reserve.
JP Morgan Chase made plans Monday to expand overseas where taxes are lower and regulations less. They said the three nations friendliest to banks are China, Russia and India. That’s one communist country, one authoritarian country and one call center.
The White House vowed to order a new gulf oil-drilling ban Wednesday. The oil workers are non-union. Every time the United Oil Rig Workers come to Mississippi to organize, they must convince everybody they’re not the same Union that burned Atlanta.
Labor Secretary Hilda Solis urged illegal aliens Tuesday to contact her office if they aren’t being paid enough money. The administration never considers the side of the employers. It took 5,000 Mexicans two weeks to conquer 200 cowboys at the Alamo, revealing the problems you have when you pay people by the hour.
The Department of Health issued a warning about marijuana potency Monday. They say today’s pot is much stronger than in the ’70s. It was only a matter of time before some ingenious marijuana grower thought of cross-breeding it with steroids.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.25.10

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