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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, June 23, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
BP chairman Tony Hayward left to sail in England’s summer yacht races Thursday and relinquished his oil spill responsibility. It felt high-handed. President Obama was so angry when he heard the news that he hooked his next three shots out of bounds.
The USS Harry Truman led U.S. warships through the Suez Canal into the Mediterranean Saturday as Iranian ships neared Gaza. The aircraft carrier caused a local panic. The fish heard what Truman did to Nagasaki and voted unanimously for an oil spill instead.
The L.A. Lakers enjoyed a parade before thousands of fans in downtown Los Angeles Monday. The parade was two miles long. It went from the site of Michael Jackson’s memorial service to the site of O.J. Simpson’s acquittal to save money on police planning.
Bobby Fischer’s body was ordered exhumed in Iceland Friday for a DNA test over a paternity claim on his estate. Watch for a surprise. When they come to dig him up, Bobby will move two graves over and one grave forward and put Iceland’s king in check.
President Obama attended a Washington Nationals game Friday to try to get away from the Gulf oil spill crisis. His mind is always on the task at hand. He gladly accepted the team’s invitaion to take BP until he realized they meant batting practice.
Greenpeace advocates complained Monday the BP settlement won’t repair ecological damage to the gulf. It could cause havoc in the animal world. All the species want to breed with the pelicans to get in on some of that emergency cash they’re collecting.
China’s central bank reported Sunday it will float the yuan until the currency reaches stability. Counterfeiting’s a real problem. Fisherman in the Gulf of Mexico are making up for losses by capturing sea lions and passing them off to zoos as pandas.
Maytag announced Thursday that they will recall two million dishwashers, saying the electrical wiring could pose a fire hazard in homes and businesses. It wasn’t the only dishwasher recall this month. Arizona’s immigration law takes effect in July.
The L.A. City Council considered lifting its Arizona boycott to buy Arizona-made street corner cameras that catch motorists running red lights. By exempting this company the city is just asking for a lawsuit. The cameras only catch the brown cars.
Nebraskans in Fremont voted Monday whether to ban hiring or renting to illegal aliens. It’s a climate issue on the prairies. The illegal aliens coming north from Mexico could bump into the terror suspects coming south from Canada and form tornadoes.
Tiger Woods fell in the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach Sunday after a thrilling third round gave him a chance to win. He was paired with Vijay Singh on Saturday and with Gregory Havret on Sunday. The idea is to get Tiger used to the idea of twosomes again.
Al-Qaeda issued a videotape saying they will attack America with holy warriors entering the U.S. through Mexico. They just have to send teenaged boys through the land of Mexican beer, legalized drugs and Mexican women and see how long they remain religious fanatics. By the time they get into the U.S. they’re ready to pledge Sigma Nu.
President Obama marked the old Southern emancipation celebration of Juneteenth on Saturday to highlight African-American history. So much went unrecorded. Sixty million Americans under the age of thirty have no idea that Michael Jackson was black.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.23.10

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