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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, June 22, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Disney’s Toy Story Three opened Friday starring the voice of Tom Hanks. Modern animation makes animals and fish more sympathetic and lovable than ever. If Disney would only create a cartoon oil company that everybody loves, it would be a fair fight.
McDonald’s recalled twelve million Shrek drinking glasses Friday when the feds warned that they contained the carcinogen cadmium. The company’s in real trouble. Barack Obama just ordered McDonald’s to pay to replace all the barware in New Orleans.
BP’s Tony Hayward testified about the oil spill to Congress on Thursday. Firing squads are more humane. They would have offered him a blindfold and a cigarette, but smoking’s banned in the U.S. Capitol and the blindfolds are for the Treasury Department.
House Democrats took turns flogging BP’s Tony Hayward in Thursday hearings. They really enjoyed it. Republicans fly to West Hollywood to go to a bondage club but when you’re the majority party you can set one up right in the committee hearing room.
BP’s Tony Hayward remained cool in Thursday’s hearings under brutal questioning by House Democrats. They were out for blood. No one believed Tony when he claimed he had no idea that Reggie Bush’s parents had been provided a free house in San Diego.
GOP Congressman Joe Barton told the committee Thursday he is ashamed a private company was shaken down by the White House for twenty billion. He was immediately condemned by both the Democrats and the Republicans for the statement. So it must be true.
Rush Limbaugh agreed Friday to star on Golf Channel’s Haney Project. The coach will try to fix Rush’s golf swing in thirteen episodes. It’s believed to be the fastest dash from honeymoon suite to the first tee in the history of fourth marriages.
New York’s former governor Eliot Spitzer was in talks with CNN Friday to replace Larry King. The logistics for the network would be tough. For every hour that CNN gives to Eliot Spitzer they may have to grant equal time to anti-prostitution groups.
The House of Representatives voted to apologize for the U.S. renting slaves from local planters to build the U.S. Capitol two hundred years ago. There was no other way. They were fifteen hundred miles from Mexico and the railroad hadn’t been invented yet.
Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah meets with President Obama at the White House next week. It’s amazing that any oil man would still come. Every time an oil man comes to the White House the Secret Service frisks him, takes his wallet and runs up his credit cards.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.22.10

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