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Argus Hamilton 6.17.10

Argus Hamilton 6.17.10

Posted: Thursday, June 17, 2010 8:03 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Texas Longhorns saved the Big Twelve Monday and declined the Pac Ten offer to join the West Coast conference. They would have brought Oklahoma with them in the move. Oklahoma merged with Texas 100 years ago to form Football Petroleum.
Tiger Woods will tee off in the U.S. Open today at the Pebble Beach Golf Club in California. He’ll be playing with two other golfers. When the papers reported that Tiger Woods would be playing in a threesome the National Enquirer sent a photographer.
Charlie Sheen had a Mercedes stolen and crashed into a Mulholland Drive canyon for the second time in a month. He lives in the Santa Monica Mountains in a gated community. Charlie’s trying to get an Aspen judge to sentence him to home confinement.
Los Angeles teen Abby Sunderland was rescued after sailing alone in the Indian Ocean Sunday. The voyage was arranged by her dad to get a reality show. Parents in L.A. no longer sexually abuse their children because reality show casting directors prefer virgins.
World Cup crowds in South Africa annoyed TV viewers by blowing on loud plastic horns called vuvuzelas throughout matches. The horns produce a deafening drone. Defenders say they’re part of African culture, like malaria and seizing oil companies.
President Obama spoke to the nation from the Oval Office Tuesday to articulate his plans to clean up the Gulf oil spill. He wants it done fast. It’s important to get the oil cleaned up before the local wildlife mutates and starts voting Republican.
President Obama used his first Oval Office speech Tuesday to hint that we must have a new tax on carbon. He’s using an oil spill accident as an excuse to raise taxes on energy use. It’s like trying to cure AIDS by raising the parade permit fees.
President Obama announced his plan to force BP to fund an escrow account that he’ll disburse to pay damages. He claims he has the authority to seize BP’s assets but he doesn’t. The Constitution only gives the president the authority to seize an intern’s clothing.
President Obama angered Britain with his BP-bashing Monday. He returned a bust of Churchill, insulted the Queen and opposes England in the Falklands. It didn’t occur to anybody until now that Barack Obama might have been born in Northern Ireland.
Moammar Khadaffi agreed to pay $3 billion to British bombing victims of the IRA, which he once supplied with explosives. It’s a fund for the victims. If Britain would just sign it over to Louisiana we could all go back to driving again.
British Petroleum announced plans Monday to vacuum 30,000 barrels of spilled oil a day. They’re using a new vacuuming boat. The salesman who sells that vacuum cleaner door-to-door is the only one in the country who is having a good year.
Gen. David Petraeus fainted Tuesday while testifying before the Senate Armed Services Committee. He passed out while being questioned by John McCain. Apparently the North Vietnamese taught him a few tricks which ought to be licensed and regulated.
Joe Lieberman proposed a carbon tax bill designed to lower use of fossil fuels including oil. He said it costs less than a dollar a day. The senator said it will end our dependence on countries that don’t like us, which now includes Britain and Israel.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.17.10

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