Argus Hamilton 6.14.10

Posted: Monday, June 14, 2010 8:01 pm

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods said last week his foundation will open two new learning centers this fall in Washington. The learning centers will bring the golfer together with local schoolchildren. They’ll teach Tiger how to erase text messages before mommy sees them.
World Cup goalies complained angrily on Wednesday about the new Adidas soccer ball. They say its stitching causes it to veer wildly in mid-flight. It’s the most dangerous thing to aviation since Canada Geese challenged Sully Sullenberger to a duel.
 Al and Tipper’s daughter Karenna filed for divorce Wednesday as her sister and parents did. It’s tough on a family when everything is spun for political gain. One day Tipper slipped and fell on the kitchen floor and Al blamed it on British Linoleum.
Lindsay Lohan was busted last week when her ankle monitor caught her drinking. The electronic device detected booze in the actress’s perspiration and transmitted the data to a monitoring center. The poor girl could have died drinking inside a closed refrigerator.
California’s Claremont School of Theology added training for Muslim and Jewish clergy to its curriculum this fall. They’ll also add Hindus and Buddhists. They hope to make it a place to play war games and test combat strategies against other religions.
Los Angeles police began raiding and closing down unlicensed medical marijuana stores Tuesday. They met little resistance. By the time the police arrived there was nothing to confiscate but Twinkie wrappers and Cartoon Network program schedules.
Nebraska considered joining the Big Ten Tuesday while Texas and Oklahoma mulled a switch to the Pac Ten to form super-conferences and attract huge TV money. College players aren’t allowed to get a dime. Rand Paul just defended college football programs as a compromise that was necessary to get Southern states to join the Union.
Louisiana wildlife officials gathered oil-covered pelicans Tuesday and brought them to Fort Jackson. It’s a rehab center for birds. First they get them clean, then they put little ankle monitors on them so they can tell if they start drinking again.
Meg Whitman won the GOP nomination for California governor Tuesday. The former eBay CEO spent $80 million of her own money that she made selling used electronics, jewelry and secondhand goods over the Internet. Californians reason that if we can’t have a fence on the border at least we can have one in the governor’s office.
Blanche Lincoln won her primary fight with Bill Clinton’s help Tuesday. She is the third Democrat he’s saved from retirement this year. Lots of politicians talk about saving Social Security but Bill’s the only one who actually reduces its outlays.
South Carolina U.S. Senate nominee Alvin Greene was found to have been arrested. He tried to pick up a college girl by showing her lewd Internet photos. It’s a felony in South Carolina but out in California it’s the No. 1 reason people buy iPhones.
The U.N. Security Council sanctioned Iran on Wednesday for its nuclear weapons program. Iran will find a way around the sanctions. If Barack Obama ever learned anything in Illinois he knows that there aren’t enough hours in a day to watch a crook.
The Pentagon confirmed reports Monday that Mexico’s military illegally crossed the U.S. border into Arizona dozens of times in the past year. It’s fun to take them on. Every time you score a direct hit on one of Mexico’s tanks, candy comes out of it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.14.10