Posted: Monday, June 14, 2010 8:01 pm
Dear Annie: Is sex over in your 50s? My husband started sleeping on the couch 10 years ago because he claimed I snored. I had surgery that was supposed to alleviate it, but since we still don’t sleep together, I’m not sure whether that was the real problem and, if so, whether I’m cured.
We get together occasionally for sex, but the last time was three months ago. My husband isn’t the type to say “I love you,” and when I say it, he replies, “OK.” We only kiss when he leaves for work in the morning and before I go to bed (by myself). And most of the time, it’s not a real kiss. He simply offers me his cheek.
We have talked about it, and he promises to do better. He said he would see the doctor, but hasn’t. Nor has he done anything else to improve the situation. I would adore a big hug and a real kiss and to be told “I love you.”
I know he cares for me, but it feels like I am living with my brother. I exercise and am slender and think I look pretty nice. I’m almost always in a good mood and try to be complimentary of him. Should I just accept how things are, or should I give him an ultimatum? Any advice? — Married and Alone
Dear Alone: We don’t recommend an ultimatum unless you are willing to follow through with the threat. While there are myriad possible explanations for your husband’s lack of interest, the most likely is that he has low testosterone levels. Insist he see his doctor. If necessary, offer to make the appointment for him, and alert the doctor to your concerns in advance.
Dear Annie: I have been with “Paul” for the past 10 years, and we have three children. We never married.
Paul was once abusive both emotionally and physically. He got better when our first child was born six years ago. I will always care about Paul, but I don’t love him anymore. He knows this because I’ve told him.
The problem is, Paul will not leave the house. We both agree that things between us will never work out, but he refuses to go. I have been seeing another man for the past seven months, but we haven’t been intimate because of Paul. So would it be wrong if I started having sex with my boyfriend while Paul is still in the house? — Tired of Being Held Back
Dear Tired: Even though you never married, you and Paul may have a legally binding common-law marriage. Unless you want to continue sharing a home with him, one of you needs to leave. Talk to an attorney about how to disentangle the finances and home ownership, and have a custody and visitation agreement in place for the sake of your children, who need both their parents. Please take care of this before you start having sex with another man in the same house as your children’s father.
Dear Annie: This is for “Terrified and Confused in Canada,” who wanted to take a break from her boyfriend of three years but worried about losing him forever.
Three years ago, I went through a heart-wrenching breakup with my long-time boyfriend, “Zane.” We loved each other, but were having a lot of problems that weren’t getting resolved. Two years later, we started talking again and worked through our old problems. We are now living together and talking about marriage.
Taking a break did wonders for our relationship. I love him more than ever because I know what my life would be like without him. Zane and I are much happier knowing we are sure this is what we want. — Head Over Heels in Minnesota
Dear Minnesota: You and Zane were wise to understand that you needed the perspective a break offered.
Dear Readers: Today is Flag Day and the 31st Annual Pause for the Pledge of Allegiance at 7 p.m. (Eastern time).
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.14.10