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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, June 11, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House lifted its shallow water ban on oil drilling Thursday, angering environmentalists. They won’t admit oil has its benefits. Last night Dick Cheney went for a dip in the Gulf of Mexico and when he came out he was 30 years younger.
The World Cup begins in South Africa today where the English team has been ordered by the coach to refrain from sex for two weeks. It sets a bad example. If Anglo-Saxons had more sex, maybe they wouldn’t feel so surrounded in Phoenix right now.
Washington Nationals rookie Stephen Strasburg won his first start Tuesday right after the Nats drafted the sensational young hitter Bryce Harper. Their fans can only enjoy them for one season. The voters are throwing everyone out of Washington this November.
White House reporter Helen Thomas had to resign Tuesday after she told a rabbi on camera that Jews should leave Israel and go back home to Poland and Germany. We won’t hear from her for awhile. She’s rumored to have eloped to Bavaria with Mel Gibson.
Baylor president Ken Starr maneuvered Thursday to get Baylor to join Texas and Oklahoma in the Pac Ten. It’s a conservative Baptist school where students are forced to go to chapel. It’s as out of place in the Pac Ten as an oil rig at SeaWorld.
The PGA Tour proposed a new policy next year requiring star players to compete in more tournaments. The tour wants huge TV ratings. The golfers have offered to take turns crashing their cars into trees if they can avoid playing in the Quad Cities Open.
Apple unveiled its new iPhone Monday which features a front-facing camera for video chats. It could make a porno filmmaker out of everybody who buys one of these phones. So much for the last sector of California’s economy that was still profitable.
British Petroleum stock fell to $29 a share Wednesday, having lost over $80 billion in value. It’s an emergency. On Louisiana beaches, volunteers were catching BP stockholders with nets and cleaning the red ink off them with towels.
South Carolina voters sent Nikki Haley into a runoff for the GOP nomination for governor. She was linked sexually to two men not her husband but it wasn’t enough to defeat her. Southerners always rally to anyone who reminds them of Scarlett O’Hara.
California Attorney General Jerry Brown won the Democratic nod for governor on Tuesday. He was a two-term California governor in the ’70s. It was a time of drug epidemics, an unpopular president and a crisis with Iran, and so were the ’70s.
Sen. Blanche Lincoln got help from Bill Clinton to win the Democratic party primary in Arkansas on Tuesday. Big Labor unions tried to beat her but Bill Clinton flew into the state and scooped her off the railroad tracks to save her just in the nick of time. She’s happy for the victory even if she didn’t like where he had his hand.
British Petroleum agreed to donate the money from oil scooped from the Gulf to wildlife rehab. It’s changed sea water composition for awhile. Plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills now offer two different types of breast implants — silicone and Pennzoil.
Hollywood mogul David Geffen said Friday he can bring LeBron James to L.A. if he buys the Clippers because he and the free agent NBA superstar are close friends. LeBron says he wants to win a championship. In 20 years the only thing the Clippers have ever won is a free taco for guessing the final score of the Lakers game.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.11.10

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