Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, June 10, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The World Cup starts in South Africa Friday where nations vie for soccer’s top prize. It’s not our sport. In an effort to get Americans to watch soccer they’re going to add a live video feed of the underwater oil leak in the corner of the screen.
Apple unveiled its new iPhone at a high-tech convention Monday which features a front-facing camera for video chats. It’s a technological wonder. Doctors will be able to watch the tumors develop on the side of your head as you talk on the phone.
The Washington Nationals named seventeen-year-old slugger Bryce Harper the top draft pick Monday, he’s being called the best prospect since Mickey Mantle. The Nationals fans are so excited. They can’t wait to see what the Yankees give up for him.
Charlie Sheen agreed to a month in jail in Aspen Monday on assault charges. He was also sentenced to coach actors at a local theater during the day while he does his time. Aspen so wants to be liked by Hollywood they’re sentencing actors to direct.
New York bank teller Debrahlee Lorenzana sued Citibank Thursday for firing her for dressing too sexy at work. She wore low-cut blouses and short, tight dresses. The bank got upset when she refused to divide her tips with them.
White House reporter Helen Thomas said Jews should leave Israel and go home to Poland and Germany. She kept her anti-Semitism hidden for years. However, it does explain why at the start of each press conference her right arm was the first to go up.
President Obama angered Israel with his lack of support in last week’s Gaza blockade incident. It’s odd for Democrats to oppose Israel. Democrats only oppose oil, and the only time Israel ever had any, the U.S. made them give it back to Egypt after the war.
The White House sent oil stocks falling Friday by vowing to prosecute British Petroleum for environmental damage. There’s a lot of room for interpretation in the law. Dick Cheney would be prosecuting the pelicans for trying to fly off with BP’s oil.
President Obama told the Today show he will meet with oil rig experts so he’ll know whose ass to kick over the Gulf oil spill. Everyone’s telling him to get mad. Any day now Barack Obama will be grabbing a bullhorn and referring to BP as Oil Qaeda.
British Petroleum placed a cap over the leaking Gulf well Friday that started to work. Ornithologists said the oil isn’t as toxic to the birds as you would expect. Now that they’re all as rich as Jed Clampett they can’t keep the chicks away.
President Obama discussed health costs with seniors Tuesday. The U.S. is mailing two-hundred-and-fifty-dollar checks to seniors today to buy prescription drugs. Madams across the country are reporting a big surge in requests for Betty Grable look-alikes.
Nancy Pelosi was heckled onstage for thirty minutes by left-wing protesters at a progressive conference. She couldn’t believe her own people were throwing things at her. However, her face never betrayed any fear, it’s a side effect of botox.
President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo Central High School Monday and urged seniors not to blame other people for their own mistakes. The kids are used to this malarky. Ten years ago Bill Clinton told Kalamazoo High that nothing’s more important than family, and five years ago President Bush ended his speech by flashing the peace sign.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.10.10HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The World Cup starts in South Africa Friday where nations vie for soccer’s top prize. It’s not our sport. In an effort to get Americans to watch soccer they’re going to add a live video feed of the underwater oil leak in the corner of the screen.
Apple unveiled its new iPhone at a high-tech convention Monday which features a front-facing camera for video chats. It’s a technological wonder. Doctors will be able to watch the tumors develop on the side of your head as you talk on the phone.
The Washington Nationals named seventeen-year-old slugger Bryce Harper the top draft pick Monday, he’s being called the best prospect since Mickey Mantle. The Nationals fans are so excited. They can’t wait to see what the Yankees give up for him.
Charlie Sheen agreed to a month in jail in Aspen Monday on assault charges. He was also sentenced to coach actors at a local theater during the day while he does his time. Aspen so wants to be liked by Hollywood they’re sentencing actors to direct.
New York bank teller Debrahlee Lorenzana sued Citibank Thursday for firing her for dressing too sexy at work. She wore low-cut blouses and short, tight dresses. The bank got upset when she refused to divide her tips with them.
White House reporter Helen Thomas said Jews should leave Israel and go home to Poland and Germany. She kept her anti-Semitism hidden for years. However, it does explain why at the start of each press conference her right arm was the first to go up.
President Obama angered Israel with his lack of support in last week’s Gaza blockade incident. It’s odd for Democrats to oppose Israel. Democrats only oppose oil, and the only time Israel ever had any, the U.S. made them give it back to Egypt after the war.
The White House sent oil stocks falling Friday by vowing to prosecute British Petroleum for environmental damage. There’s a lot of room for interpretation in the law. Dick Cheney would be prosecuting the pelicans for trying to fly off with BP’s oil.
President Obama told the Today show he will meet with oil rig experts so he’ll know whose ass to kick over the Gulf oil spill. Everyone’s telling him to get mad. Any day now Barack Obama will be grabbing a bullhorn and referring to BP as Oil Qaeda.
British Petroleum placed a cap over the leaking Gulf well Friday that started to work. Ornithologists said the oil isn’t as toxic to the birds as you would expect. Now that they’re all as rich as Jed Clampett they can’t keep the chicks away.
President Obama discussed health costs with seniors Tuesday. The U.S. is mailing two-hundred-and-fifty-dollar checks to seniors today to buy prescription drugs. Madams across the country are reporting a big surge in requests for Betty Grable look-alikes.
Nancy Pelosi was heckled onstage for thirty minutes by left-wing protesters at a progressive conference. She couldn’t believe her own people were throwing things at her. However, her face never betrayed any fear, it’s a side effect of botox.
President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo Central High School Monday and urged seniors not to blame other people for their own mistakes. The kids are used to this malarky. Ten years ago Bill Clinton told Kalamazoo High that nothing’s more important than family, and five years ago President Bush ended his speech by flashing the peace sign.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.10.10