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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, June 7, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The CIA assassinated al-Qaeda leader Sheikh Said al-Masri in Pakistan Wednesday with a missile fired from a Predator drone. He was the terrorist group’s banking and money-transfer mastermind. He was targeted in the administration’s War on Bankers.
Al and Tipper Gore announced their separation Monday without giving any reason for their break-up. Friends said Al and Tipper never recovered from losing the presidential election ten years ago. You just knew it would end up being Bush’s fault.
Al Gore arrived in California Friday to raise money for Harry Reid at a dinner with rich Silicon Valley tech executives. Fundraising isn’t the only reason he’s in California. He’s won the Nobel, the Oscar and the Grammy, and now he wants a trophy wife.
New Jersey’s Governor Chris Christie reminded reporters Tuesday the Super Bowl was awarded to Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey, not New York. The difference could save lives. When al-Qaeda scouts East Rutherford they’ll think they’ve already hit it.
Charlie Sheen got a month in jail for assaulting his wife days after he signed a two-million-a-week deal with CBS. He’s also addicted to pills and he’s hooked on the Internet. If Charlie Sheen were a board game he’d be a lot more fun than Monopoly.
British Petroleum announced a new plan Tuesday to cut the gushing oil pipe and fit another pipe onto it to redirect the flow. It’s a mile down. There’s twice the oil a hundred feet below Los Angeles but God forbid we disturb the habitat of the dude.
The L.A. Lakers hosted the NBA title series opener at Staples Center. The police are helpless. Because South Central has changed so much in the last decade, they don’t know if people are rioting for the Lakers or against the Arizona immigration law.
Tiger Woods agreed to participate in a skins game Wednesday in a charity pro-am before the Memorial Tournament. He was surprised to see Jack Nicklaus and the huge crowd waiting for him at the first tee. He thought he was signing up for a skin flick.
Larry King celebrated twenty-five years with CNN Thursday with LeBron James and President Obama. Those are two great men to interview on that big an occasion. The only way he’ll celebrate a twenty-fifth anniversary with a woman is if he lives to be a hundred and six and his doctor cuts off his Viagra prescription to save his heart.
Paul McCartney was awarded the Gershwin Prize at the White House Wednesday. His tour bus had been attacked in Mexico by a mob of thugs Sunday but none of them made it onto the bus. Paul McCartney’s got a lot more security than the United States does.
President Obama told a Pittsburgh crowd Tuesday he knows change is scary. He’s hit a wall of resistance. Americans think if we embrace change this one time that change might get the wrong idea and mistake it for some kind of long-term commitment.
The L.A. School Board ordered teachers to liken the detention of illegal aliens to Jim Crow laws. God forbid they teach math. Las Vegas was built by developers who bet billions that L.A. schools would never teach anybody how to count to twenty-one.
President Obama put off a visit to Indonesia for a second time Thursday. First he couldn’t leave because he had to manage health care and now he can’t leave because he wants to manage the oil spill. Tipper Gore just called Indonesia and told them these lame excuses are the first sign that he’s not coming back.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.7.10

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