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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, June 4, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
General Motors announced Monday it is developing a much longer-running Chevy Volt. The competition is fierce in clean-car technology. Ford announced they just invented the world’s first water-powered car, but it only runs on water from the Gulf of Mexico.
Al Gore and Tipper Gore announced Tuesday they’re separating after forty years of marriage. It left friends wondering why. No one bought Al’s first explanation that climate change has resulted in a planet-wide phenomenon known as Marital Cooling.
Al Gore left for California Friday after he and Tipper said they are splitting up. They own four mansions, a houseboat and half a billion dollars in Google stock. If they split up now, it will be harder for President Obama to find them and tax them.
Charlie Sheen got one month in jail in Aspen for a drunken brawl with his wife on Christmas. She said he blew up and knocked over drinks and spilled food all over the floor. Some celebrities will do anything to make the cover of Oil and Gas Journal.
Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen set up in Louisiana Tuesday as the spill reached Alabama and Mississippi shores. It could last until August. Truth in Advertising laws could force the Crimson Tide to change their name this fall to the City Slickers.
Titanic director James Cameron was asked by the White House Tuesday for advice on plugging the oil spill. The administration loves his plan. He advised them to sink a luxury liner directly over the leak and plug it up with rich snobby Protestants.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer flew to Washington D.C. for a Thursday face-off with President Obama over the immigration law she signed. Logistics were a problem. They had to have the meeting on Thursday because Friday is Casual Citizenship Day at the White House.
South Africa will host Mexico to kick off the World Cup soccer tournament next week in Johannesburg. It could get crowded. Once the Mexican team gets over to South Africa’s side of the field only an Arizona lawmaker will be able to get them out again.
LeBron James told Larry King that the Cleveland Cavaliers have the best chance of signing him. He said it’s because he values their seven-year relationship. He went on the CNN show to try to teach Larry King how to have a seven-year relationship.
Celebrity Rehab asked Sarah Ferguson to join the cast after she told Oprah she was drunk when she tried to sell an undercover reporter access to the Royal family. She’ll learn to admit the damage her drinking has caused. Every year it gets more difficult to get bigger laughs than the previous speaker at Beverly Hills AA meetings.
Al-Jazeera anchor women quit Tuesday when ordered to comply with strict Muslim clothing rules. It’s such a backward society. No network executive in the Western world would ever tell their female anchors to cover up during the May ratings sweeps.
Florida GOP chairman Jim Greer was indicted Friday on multiple counts of grand theft and money laundering. A public education campaign is now underway to explain just what he did wrong. Money laundering in Florida is as natural as breathing cocaine.
The White House admitted it offered a job to Colorado lawmaker Andrew Romanoff to keep him from running for Senate. Along with the Joe Sestak offer, the pattern of conduct threatens to bring down the administration. The Gores are getting divorced, the Clintons are still married, and now the Romanoffs could bring down the Bolsheviks.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.4.10

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