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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, June 2, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD – God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama warned his Memorial Day crowd of lightning strikes as he stood in a thunderstorm holding onto a metal umbrella. The Secret Service rushed in and whisked him offstage. It’s fine to be Jesus but you still have to watch out for Thor.
The Los Angeles Lakers won the right on Saturday to play the Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals. What a dream match-up. It’s one of the great rivalries, like the Yankees vs. Dodgers, Oklahoma vs. Texas and the State of Louisiana vs. British Petroleum.
Louisiana and Mississippi suffered a big tourism drop-off due to the oil spill. They don’t recognize a marketing opportunity when they see one. At seventy dollars a barrel the beaches should be charging people thirty dollars admission to pan for oil.
British Petroleum fitted a new pipe into the oil leak Monday to try to plug it up. They say the leak was caused by a bad underwater cement job. So it’s the Republican Party’s fault for not having the Mafia contacts to do underwater cement jobs properly.
New York was chosen to host the Super Bowl by a vote of NFL owners last week. The game will be played outdoors at night in February where blizzards and ice storms are common. The owners could not get a salary freeze so they went for the next best thing
New Yorker Ken Starr was busted conning rich widows into investing in Broadway flops and then pocketing the money. This economy makes people do desperate things. Mel Brooks had to start selling The Producers home game and now look what’s happened.
Idaho GOP congressional candidate Vaughn Ward lost in the primary last Tuesday after he plagiarized a Barack Obama speech. That’s not all he stole from Obama. It cost Vaughn Ward the election when he was caught on tape bowing to the governor of Montana.
President Obama said Thursday he was shaving when his daughter Malia asked him if he’d plugged the hole. The next day he took his family to Chicago. He just saw the new poll numbers and wanted to show the kids where they’d be going to high school.
Louis Farrakhan’s bodyguards faced down President Obama’s Secret Service agents in a south Chicago neighborhood Saturday. The press corps was appalled. The biggest threat at the Crawford ranch was a vulture on the fence post reading the opinion polls.
The White House backed Congress’s effort Friday to repeal the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. It bans openly gay soldiers. Opponents say that sodomy should not be allowed in the military, it should only be allowed between defense contractors and taxpayers.
House Republicans gathered in the Capitol Rotunda to blast Democrats for using Bill Clinton to offer Joe Sestak a job. They spoke in front of Will Rogers’s statue. Anytime Bill Clinton’s in the scandal the comedians will stand behind you all the way.
Joe Sestak said Friday the White House got Bill Clinton to offer him an unpaid advisory post not to run against Arlen Specter. Legally, he would have had to resign from Congress to accept the unpaid post. The White House offered it to him in the belief that some people will do anything to qualify for foreclosure assistance.
Bill Clinton backed up the White House story that he offered Congressman Joe Sestak an unpaid post to drop out of the race against Arlen Specter. If the Republicans re-take Congress this fall he could end up testifying at Obama’s impeachment trial in the U.S. Senate. Bill Clinton does impeachment trials the way other people do banquet speeches.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.2.10

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