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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, June 1, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama held a press conference Thursday to address the Gulf of Mexico disaster. It was getting worse each hour. After the press conference the president met Bill Clinton for lunch, which was the first sign that the slick has reached Obama.
Tiger Woods will tune up for the U.S. Open in this week’s Memorial in Ohio. He’s pursuing two golfing records. He needs five more majors to break Jack Nicklaus’s record and a divorce settlement over a hundred million dollars to break Greg Norman’s.
NFL owners voted Tuesday to hold the first-ever cold weather Super Bowl in New Jersey’s Meadowlands Stadium in four years. It’s just as well. By then they will need the twenty-five degree weather to preserve Paul McCartney for the halftime show.
German pharmaceutical maker Boehringer Ingelheim is submitting the first female Viagra pill to the FDA for approval this month. It chemically incites female desire. Today a lot of women need help to get aroused, particularly after they Google a man’s credit score.
Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson flew to America in disgrace Wednesday after she was caught on tape selling access to Prince Andrew. She said she wants to be on Dancing with the Stars. That’s her back-up plan if she can’t sell access to Joe Biden.
The Special Relationship was on HBO Saturday with Dennis Quaid as Bill Clinton and Michael Sheen as Tony Blair. They always stood by each other no matter what. True friends are like British Petroleum: they’re there for you through thick and thin.
President Obama addressed the BP oil spill at his press conference on Thursday. He said people who criticize his response don’t know the facts. Someone needs to tell all the people waiting on the roofs in New Orleans that they’re in the wrong disaster.
President Obama took responsibility for his part in the Gulf spill Thursday. He said his mistake was trusting the oil companies. He then requisitioned three jumbo jets, two limousines and one helicopter to take the family to Chicago for the weekend.
President Obama blamed the spill on a culture of accommodation at the Interior Department in the Bush administration. He’s right about the culture part. It’s okay for Africans to dance, for Italians to sing, for Irish to drink, and  for Greeks to go on vacation, but WASPs have to replace their divots every time they drill for oil.
Hispanic protesters infuriated L.A. motorists Thursday by lying down at Wilshire Blvd. and Westwood Ave. to protest Arizona’s immigration law. The intersection handles ninety thousand cars each hour. Nothing aggravates motorists in Los Angeles like speed bumps.
President Obama applauded the Phoenix Suns Sunday for wearing Los Suns jerseys to express their opposition to Arizona’s immigration law. There are no Mexicans in the NBA. Professional basketball is not yet one of the jobs that Americans won’t do.
The Border Patrol revealed Thursday they caught a hundred men sneaking into the U.S. from Mexico last year who came from Pakistan, Yemen, Syria, Iran and Saudi Arabia. Who knows what they might try. The damage from suicide donkeys can’t be calculated until we see how many House Democrats who voted for cap-and-trade and health care lose in November.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.1.10

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