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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, May 20, 2010 8:06 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rand Paul won the GOP Senate primary in Kentucky Tuesday in a major victory for the Tea Party. A huge roar went up. President Obama broke all the dishes in the White House kitchen and the state dinner for Mexico had to be served on paper plates.
The Los Angeles Lakers were picketed Monday by Hispanics angry over coach Phil Jackson’s refusal to denounce Arizona’s new illegal immigration law. The Lakers wouldn’t be hurt by an Hispanic boycott. NBA basketball doesn’t have middle infielders.
The Big Ten considered adding Missouri, Nebraska and Notre Dame Monday. They’d play Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State in football every year. Colleges are so obsessed with equality that everyone feels a duty to finish each season five and five.
Iceland’s volcano began spewing again Monday, shutting down airports in Britain and Ireland. Many evangelicals are upset. Between all the ash in the air and all the oil in the water, a lot of people think the Apocalypse happened and they missed it.
Yale issued a faculty rulebook Monday which bans professors from sleeping with students. It’s bad. If professors want to use their institutionalized power to take advantage of impressionable young women they can run for Congress like everybody else.
State Department official Michael Posner apologized to China for Arizona’s immigration law at a human rights forum. This White House has condemned Israel, questioned the U.S. nuclear arsenal and confessed to human rights violations. Iran complained to the U.N. that President Obama is using spy satellites to steal their monologue material.
Miss USA Rima Fakih may lose her crown after photos surfaced of her imitating a stripper. Four past Miss USAs have been stripped of their crown for nude photos and hard partying. Lindsay Lohan is suing the pageant for appropriating her likeness.
BP’s Tony Hayward said the high grade of the crude in the oil spill won’t cause much eco-damage. This isn’t Exxon Valdez crude. However, he went a little far when he said the crude oil is so light and so sweet the gulf shrimp won’t even need cocktail sauce.
GM posted a first quarter profit of eight hundred million dollars Monday. They disposed of their debt in bankruptcy and stayed running thanks to a taxpayer takeover. GM accounting is so creative they just sold the film rights to the Chevy Malibu.
The New York Racing Association ran out of money Monday and may shut down after the Belmont. It’s unbelievable that anyone could operate New York’s only three horse tracks and still lose money. A race track is a place where windows clean people.
GOP Congressman Mark Souder admitted Monday he had an affair with a young woman on his House staff. It’s embarrassing. She was his Abstinence Outreach Program spokeswoman and one day somebody walked into the office and caught him debriefing her.
The Cincinnati Reds honored Willie Mays, Billie Jean King and Harry Belafonte on Human Rights Night before Saturday’s home game. They had to be flown in from Los Angeles. Baseball would have honored the three before a game at Dodger Stadium, but Dodger fans don’t arrive til the third inning and it would have looked like a boycott.
Woody Allen told a Spanish newspaper at the Cannes Film Festival Monday the U.S. would be a better country if President Obama were a dictator. Movie directors are natural authoritarians. It says right there on their business cards that they’re God.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.20.10

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