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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, May 13, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Oklahoma was hit by thirty-seven tornadoes which touched down Monday. Twisters dipped out of the clouds and landed everywhere. The last time there were this many touchdowns in Oklahoma, Barry Switzer was investigated for recruiting violations.
Betty White drew huge ratings hosting NBC’s Saturday Night Live. It was amazing how many young viewers tuned in for the eighty-eight-year-old comedienne. NBC just announced that in five years she is going to take over the Tonight Show from Jay Leno.
Queen Elizabeth made David Cameron prime minister Tuesday after the Tories won last week. Britain wants low taxes, lower spending and less government. The Tea Party was happy enough with their win in Massachusetts but this one could go to their heads.
Tory party leader David Cameron formed a coalition government Tuesday with the Europe-leaning Liberal Democratic Party. The U.S. is not worried. It’s not expected to affect the Special Relationship between British Petroleum and Gulf of Mexico shrimp.
President Obama called and congratulated David Cameron Tuesday for taking over the government from the Labor Party. The handwriting is clear. President Obama is now telling anybody who’ll listen it was the Republican’s idea to take over General Motors.
Governor Arnold Schwar-zenegger said Monday that he was afraid to go to Arizona because people would hear his accent and deport him. He’s wrong about that. People would hear his accent and say Democrats were right, the Nazis have taken over Arizona.
Texas Congressman Ron Paul’s son Rand Paul is expected to win the GOP primary in Kentucky for Senate Tuesday. Ex-presidential candidate Ron is a gynecologist and son Rand is an eye surgeon. Voters like their small government philosophy, their foreign policy restraint and their ability to refill your prescription while you wait.
Sarah Palin said Tuesday she’s begun began writing a new book for release this fall. It’s called America By Heart: Reflections on Faith, Family and Flag. Liberals are just furious that Sarah Palin gets to drop F-bombs like that and get away with it.
Tiger Woods flew home to Florida to treat his neck injury Monday. He can’t drive, he can’t putt, his neck’s killing him, his wife’s divorcing him and his swing coach has quit. His recovery from sexual addiction is the biggest flop since New Coke.
The White House claimed Tuesday a national health crisis exists which requires government control of junk food marketing. They’re really overstating the danger. Vending machines aren’t sleeper cells sent into American schools by Hostess bin Laden.
Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad faced losing his U.S. citizenship Tuesday. We have to catch terrorists who marry for U.S. citizenship. They should flag anyone on e-Harmony who lists his interests as topless bars and bringing down the Great Satan.
Nevada lobbyist George Flint vowed to fight an Australian filmmaker’s virginity auction in Nevada. Flint is a lobbyist for the state’s brothels and he also owns a Reno wedding chapel. He teaches seminars on hedging strategies to Goldman Sachs executives.
Australian filmmaker Justin Sisely will shoot an online auction in Nevada where women will sell their virginity to the highest bidder. Homeland Security should give him a grant. If he can get rid of all the virgins, al-Qaeda will have to tell each suicide bomber that he will be greeted in heaven by seventy-two out-of-work actresses.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.13.10

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