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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, May 12, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Miss USA Pageant posted sexy photos of the contestants wearing lingerie on Monday to publicize this week’s pageant. It’s controversial. The girls are covered in body oil and wearing fishnet, so British Petroleum has to pay to clean them up.
The British Navy rescued Lord and Lady Hollinsclough and their daughters Friday when their yacht hit an iceberg in the Atlantic. It was dramatic. They nearly sold the screenplay but unfortunately they didn’t have any middle-class people in the hold.
Robert Downey Jr. drew huge crowds to Iron Man 2 about a superhero who fights for private enterprise, liberty and small government. Liberals are horrified. You might as well put every kid in America in a reading circle and read them Ayn Rand In The Hat.
Wall Street shot up Monday on news of a Greek bailout and healthy U.S. corporate profit projections. Oil companies look great, led by Exxon, ConocoPhillips and Royal Dutch Shell. Gulf is also in the black, not the oil company, the Gulf of Mexico.
The European Union imposed a severe austerity program on Greece Monday, cutting their benefits. They had it coming. Greece invented democracy twenty-five hundred years ago and now U.S. soldiers have to travel all over the world imposing it on people.
President Obama named Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court Monday leaving the high court with no Protestants for the first time ever. We ran out. The third son in every Protestant family used to go into public service but now they join the PGA Tour.
Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan’s record as Harvard Law president came to light Monday. She appointed thirty people to jobs, with no blacks, no Hispanics and just a few women. She wanted a Harvard Law School that looks like the U.S. Senate.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told college seniors Saturday that money won’t buy them happiness, citing the example of lottery winners. You’d expect this from the guy who just bailed out the banks. He’s been around gambling junkies for so long it is the only language he knows.
President Obama addressed college seniors Sunday and he ripped Apple, Sony and Microsoft for making gadgets and phones that strain democracy with too much information. He doesn’t like dissenting voices. The only reason he hasn’t closed Guantanamo is that he’s hoping to turn it into an assisted living facility for conservative bloggers.
Utah Senator Bob Bennett was denied a chance to run for re-election at Utah’s GOP convention Saturday when he finished behind a Tea Party candidate. He voted for the TARP bill, sponsored a health care bill and broke his two-term limit pledge. He’s so out of touch with the voters he showed up at the convention wearing a Lakers jersey.
The Hubble Telescope found water on a Saturn moon, providing more evidence that there’s life out there. It’s certainly logical. The surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere else in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com
Published in The Messenger 5.12.10

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