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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, May 10, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad confessed his crime to the FBI Thursday. The administration is on the hunt for co-conspirators. During questioning Faisal Shahzad spilled a glass of water all over the floor, which could link him to British Petroleum.
Faisal Shahzad was revealed Thursday to have married into U.S. citizenship. He then quit his job, let his house go into foreclosure, moved his family to Pakistan, returned to the U.S., rented an apartment and began buying fertilizer. The reason Homeland Security missed him was that there were so many flags by his name they mistook him for the U.N.
President Obama vowed to veto the financial reform bill if it includes a GOP amendment. He passed the health care bill with no GOP votes and the stimulus bill with no GOP votes. If he gets any GOP votes on financial reform it will mess up his Keno card.
A Bay Area principal sent several boys home from school for wearing red, white and blue shirts to class on Cinco de Mayo. Those are the colors of the U.S. flag, the British flag and Confederate flag. It’s still not clear which one got them in trouble.
The Phoenix Suns changed their team’s name to Los Suns for Wednesday’s playoff game to protest Arizona’s immigration law. It’s just a token gesture. If they had really meant it they would have said no ticket is necessary for entrance to the arena.
The Taliban downplayed Faisal Shahzad’s statement blaming his Times Square bomb attempt on Predator attacks on Taliban leaders. They don’t mind them. It saves them the expense of a pension plan, which is bankrupting Greece and California right now.
Inside Edition went into Faisal Shahzad’s Connecticut apartment Wednesday after the FBI left. The show business reporters found Shahzad’s passport, which the FBI missed. It just shows that celebrities face tougher scrutiny every day than the Taliban does.
Emirates Airlines was detained on the JFK runway for the second time in a week Thursday to remove a passenger believed to be on the No-Fly list, but it was a false alarm. Their passengers are used to drama. Emirates Airline is the only airline that when you feel any turbulence it just means you’ve strayed into Israeli air space.
Goldman Sachs hired former senators Trent Lott and John Breaux Friday to lobby for the firm in Congress. For years they served as Republican Whip and Democratic Whip to keep their troops in line. Only Egyptologists have the maps to more skeletons.
Wall Streeters blamed Thursday’s crash on someone typing the wrong letter while trading. They typed b for billion instead of m for million, triggering a marketwide panic. So you see, carpal tunnel isn’t the only risk from typing with your thumbs.
Wall Street crashed Thursday as the economic crisis in Greece escalated. Harsh measures were taken to try to save the Greek economy. An Athens mob killed three bankers Wednesday but that only works if they’re virgins and you’re in an Aztec temple.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.10.10

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