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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, May 5, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Los Angeles Lakers advanced in the NBA playoffs Thursday after an epic win in Oklahoma City. They left town just in time. Next week the Oklahoma legislature is going to pass an immigration bill and then any Indian can ask you for your papers.
Rory McIlroy was crowned the new star of the PGA Tour when the twenty-year-old won at Quail Hollow. He birdied six of the last nine holes. Already he’s being compared to Tiger Woods, but as long as he’s not married it won’t cost him his career.
William Shatner sold his Priceline stock Monday, making six hundred million dollars. It won’t last. California gets a chunk, Uncle Sam gets a chunk, the people who know what really happened to his wife get a chunk, and the rest goes to his plastic surgeon.
Panama’s ex-president Manuel Noriega finished his twenty-year drug trafficking sentence Friday. He laundered drug money for Colombians and funneled CIA cash to anti-communist guerrillas. People Magazine named him the Handiest Man of the Eighties.
Times Square street vendors thwarted a car-bomb attack by terrorists who packed explosives into a parked Nissan Pathfinder. Thank goodness the Nissan was spotted before it could do any damage. If it had been a Toyota, it might have hit a building.
Congressman Peter King said the Times Square bomber may have been motivated by a South Park episode on Comedy Central. You’re not allowed to insult the Muslim prophet. Jay Leno found that out the hard way at the Correspondents Dinner Saturday.
Jay Leno was sabotaged by President Obama when he performed at the Correspondents Dinner Saturday. During Jay’s monologue the spotlights were on both Jay at the lectern and Obama seated at the dais, and when Obama didn’t laugh the audience wouldn’t laugh. Jay Leno’s played a lot of clubs in his career but he never played the Kremlin before.
The White House said Monday that President Obama has been interviewing Supreme Court candidates. There’s a litmus test. The president says he’s looking for somebody who shares his view of the Constitution, making Stevie Wonder the early favorite.
Arizona was targeted by May Day parades in several cities Saturday for its law allowing police to detain illegal immigrants. The law was well-intended. The idea is to get Mexicans to leave Arizona and return to their native country of Los Angeles.
Texas Governor Rick Perry said Monday the oil spill from the British Petroleum oil rig may be an act of God. It’s coming up the Gulf of Mexico. They’re doing all they can to contain the oil before it comes onshore and demands a path to citizenship.
President Obama took a trip to the Gulf Coast Saturday where he gazed upon the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and called it the BP Oil Spill. You can tell his father was a colonial. The president’s two most hated words are British and Petroleum.
British Petroleum spent four million dollars a day plugging the Gulf of Mexico oil leak this week. The media is out to crucify Big Oil. Reporters were in such a hurry to show a bird covered in oil they went to a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Biloxi.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.5.10

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