Posted: Wednesday, April 28, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Denver Broncos drafted Tim Tebow in the first round Thursday believing his high character makes him an NFL winner. He admits he’s a virgin. He could be the first quarterback ever suspended for chivalry toward a woman in the restroom of a bar.
The NFL draft went six rounds, ending Saturday in New York City. Every NFL team drafted for need. The Pittsburgh Steelers drafted three linebackers, two defense lawyers, and a Clinton apologist and a Bush apologist to write for Ben Roethlisberger.
Iceland’s volcano stopped erupting long enough for flights to resume in Europe Friday. The thick ash hovers in the air over London. Keith Richards opened up his car window Tuesday and for the first time in forty years the smoke went into the limo.
Hugh Hefner saved the Hollywood sign from demolition by developers Monday with a million dollar donation to save the landmark. He doesn’t see as well as he used to see. He saw the two O’s in the sign and thought he was paying for a new girlfriend.
The White House flew captured Somali pirates to New York for trial. They robbed and looted on the high seas. They’ll never be able to get a jury of their peers with all the investment bankers constantly having to go to Washington to testify.
Goldman Sachs executives testified in Congress before angry lawmakers on Tuesday. The firm made billions selling short when the housing market melted down. The lawmakers who caused the housing market meltdown in the first place feel underpaid for their work.
SEC watchdogs were found to be watching porn on their computers during the Wall Street crash two year ago. It’s not news. The SEC’s mission to protect investors will always come in a distant second to watching anything with sorority girls in the title.
GOP senators blocked President Obama’s Wall Street reform bill on Monday. They say it allows the U.S. government to pick and choose who gets rescued and who gets liquidated. James Cameron just bought the rights to this bill for a sequel to Titanic.
President Obama met with Billy Graham Sunday at the preacher’s cabin home near Asheville. They prayed together for half an hour. Billy Graham has met with every president since Eisenhower, the moment their approval ratings dipped into the forties.
President Obama greeted the New York Yankees at the White House on Monday. The president praised the team’s fabled pinstripe tradition. The governor of Illinois always wears pinstripe suits so he won’t have to change clothes when he goes to prison.
George W. Bush handed his presidential memoir Decision Points to the publisher Monday for release in November. The book should be funny. It’s about the twelve toughest decisions he made as president, and three of them were rock, paper, scissors.
Arizona adopted a law allowing cops to detain and deport anybody they think is an illegal alien. Some people say it gives the police too much discretion and they may be right. The first ten thousand people deported to Mexico were African-Americans.
President Obama warned blacks, Hispanics, young people and women that progress is at stake in November. He sees the coming tide. It’s not fair that white male Tea Party protesters get a free commercial every time you pull a bill out of your wallet.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 4.28.10