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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, April 20, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The National Day of Prayer was ruled unconstitutional by a U.S. Court of Appeals Thursday. It won’t stand. The case will be appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court, where six Catholics, two Jews, and a ninety-year-old man are said to be tilting towards God.
Jerry Jones was caught on video rambling about football while drunk at a piano bar last week. The video raced around the Internet. Whenever a Texas team owner is photographed dancing on top of a piano bar while drunk, the Republicans nominate him for president.
Nicolas Cage lost his Bel-Air mansion to foreclosure Tuesday, a month after he lost two homes to foreclosure in New Orleans. The guy can’t win. At the height of the real estate market he bought a vacation house at the base of a volcano in Iceland.
Iceland was the site of a volcano eruption last week that spewed thick clouds of ash over Europe. It shut down all air travel across the continent. So many flights were canceled that airport body scanner machines had to drive to Amsterdam to get their daily fix of naked women.
Al Pacino plays Jack Kevorkian in an HBO movie this Saturday. It’s amazing how things can change if you just hang in there. Fifteen years ago Jack Kevorkian was considered the crazed suicide doctor and today he is the father of health care reform.
Ben Roethlisberger lost his commercial endorsement deal for Big Ben Beef Jerky Wednesday in the wake of the sex assault charges against him. It’s not all bad. He lost his ad deal for beef jerky but he’s been hired to be the villain in pepper spray commercials.
Larry King filed for divorce Thursday after allegations he cheated on his wife with his wife’s much younger sister. It could work out. We’re a week away from the May ratings sweeps period and CNN is advertising Larry King as the Jewish Tiger Woods.
The FAA admitted it grounded the plane that flew banners over Augusta National to heckle Tiger Woods last week. It’s obvious what happened. Barack Obama tried three times to hit the plane with lightning and when he couldn’t he called up the FAA.
President Obama flew to Kennedy Space Center in Florida Thursday and announced the termination of American manned space travel. The NASA space flight program is hereby grounded. He’s punishing NASA for refusing to turn the Hubble Telescope on him.
The U.S. Border Patrol raided Arizona shuttle bus drivers for smuggling illegal aliens Thursday. It’s the best evidence yet the economy’s recovering. People finally have enough cash to buy marijuana and there aren’t enough farm workers to harvest it.
Hillary Clinton’s State Department revealed on Wednesday it spent almost three hundred thousand dollars on alcoholic beverages last year. That’s twice as much as Condi Rice’s State Department spent two years ago. This proves that a woman who is cheating with the president drinks less than the woman the president’s cheating on.
The U.S. Army is court-martialing an Army doctor who won’t deploy to Afghanistan because he doubts Obama’s citizenship. The White House is ready with talking points. Last week Democrats said Ronald Reagan also tried to reduce the U.S. nuclear stockpile, and next week they’ll be saying that George Washington was also born a British subject.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.20.10

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