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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, April 15, 2010 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama fell to a forty-three percent approval rating Monday. He just reduced the U.S. nuclear arsenal, then downgraded the threat of radical Islam. Nike released an ad with the late Earl Woods’ voice asking Obama if he’s learned anything.
Tiger Woods angered golfers Wednesday by comparing his comeback to Ben Hogan’s comeback after a car wreck. Ben threw himself in front of his wife to protect her during a head-on crash. He was with his wife, so it had nothing to do with Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods refused to apologize for his swearing at the Masters Sunday, saying that’s how he feels about poor shots. He’s a changed man. Tiger Woods has stopped pursuing Jack Nicklaus’ records and he’s begun listening to Richard Pryor’s records.
Texas Stadium was imploded with a ton of dynamite Sunday. It was time to start over. The Dallas Cowboys stopped doing coke and dating strippers and shooting up nightclubs ten years ago and now Jerry Jones can’t sell a luxury box to save his soul.
Prince Charles’ wife Camilla Parker Bowles broke her leg Thursday while hiking in England. Their marriage was only recently possible. Things have changed since a Prince of Wales couldn’t marry a divorced woman or have her shot if she breaks a leg.
Kitty Kelley began promoting her new biography of Oprah Winfrey on Monday. She previously wrote that Nancy Reagan and Frank Sinatra had sex in the White House and George W. Bush snorted cocaine in his dad’s Oval Office. The good thing about Kitty Kelley doing a book about you is that sometimes she can find polyps and it will save your life.
Qatar’s Ambassador to the U.S. was caught smoking in an airliner bathroom Friday on a U.S. domestic flight. Fighter jets scrambled after he joked he was lighting his shoes on fire. In America, you can go to jail for using a joke that’s eight years old.
President Obama’s approval ratings kept falling Friday as the Tea Party gained momentum. He’s looking like a one-term president. The American people are grateful to him for pulling the country out of a hole but they don’t intend to be sentimental about it.
President Obama had reportedly agreed Thursday to appear on American Idol this spring. This has been building for a year. He told his agent he’s sick and tired of wasting his talents doing daytime television and he wants to go where the money is.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.15.10

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