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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, April 7, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mark O’Meara played a practice round with Tiger Woods Sunday at Augusta. After the round he told reporters that Tiger was swinging well. His Blackberry went off five times on the first tee alone and all the calls were from the Las Vegas area code.
Tiger Woods will be protected on the Augusta course Thursday by 90 security guards including former FBI and Secret Service agents. They can’t protect him from all trouble. It would be just like some sniper to climb up on a hill and take off her top.
The Adventures of Robin Hood is set for release this summer with Russell Crowe as the famed bandit. There’s a lesson in this classic tale that resonates to this day. Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor, and he only served one term.
Mexico border towns in Baja California were rocked by a seven-point earthquake Sunday that shook up Calexico and Tijuana. The damage to the border economy is still being calculated. All the crack was reduced to powder and it may actually be worth more.
Geneva physicists ignited the Large Hadron proton collider that will replicate the Big Bang Monday. It’s exciting, cutting-edge science. They want to learn how the universe came to be, and as soon as they find out they’re going to drop it on Iran.
The TSA installed new body scanners in U.S. airports Monday. They use radio waves to show your naked body onscreen. You knew the day the Twin Towers were hit that no one would ever get on a plane again without being screened by the Howard Stern Show.
Pope Benedict gave an Easter sermon preceded by Cardinal Sodano. It’s the first time a pope’s sermon has ever been preceded by another priest. It’s a smart idea for a pope to use an opening act to see if it’s a good crowd or if he should call in sick.
President Obama went to church on Easter Sunday at Allen Chapel AME Church in a dangerous neighborhood of Washington D.C. It’s understandable. After a year of fighting the health care battle, he needs to hear bullets whizzing past his head to feel alive.
The U.S. Transportation Department fined Toyota $16 million for safety violations Monday. The government is enraged that people are still buying Toyotas despite congressional hearings, civil fines, recalls and lawsuits. This consumer boycott of U.S. government products is killing the post office and General Motors at the same time.
Sarah Palin hosted a Fox News show Thursday called Real American Stories about people who overcame adversity. The show proudly advertises itself as a tribute to real Americans. This carping about the president’s birth certificate just never ends.
The Republican National Committee fired a staffer who took GOP donors to a West Hollywood bondage club last week. They went to see women being bound onstage and whipped and humiliated. The Republican Party never strays far from its Puritan roots.
Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai threatened to join the Taliban on Monday if the U.S. government continues nagging him to reform. What a reckless statement. We don’t have to tell the U.N. that he has weapons of mass destruction, we’re already there.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy got a warm welcome in Washington and New York last week. Americans tend to be contemptuous of France. We cleaned up after France in Vietnam, Haiti, Lebanon and World War II, and nobody jokes about you like the maid.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.7.10

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