Posted: Tuesday, March 2, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The NFL annual Scouting Combine began in Indianapolis Thursday. Each potential draftee is tested and examined and weighed and measured and evaluated. We could solve the national health care crisis if we could just get the NFL to draft everybody.
SeaWorld said Friday Tilly the Killer Whale won’t be taken out of their shows after he killed his third person last week. The lines are around the block. Nobody ever thought of capturing Osama bin Laden by offering him three shows a day at SeaWorld.
British rugby star Terry Newton became the first athlete ever to test positive for Human Growth Hormone. There’s a new test that measures HGH in the bloodstream. The drug makes you younger but if you do too much of it you can’t get into nightclubs.
Tiger Woods checked into an Arizona rehab for painkillers Tuesday. He just left sex rehab. USA Today showed a map of the United States with a red dot on the map every place where a Tiger Woods mistress lives, and he has better coverage than Verizon.
Toyota president Akio Toyoda was besieged by grandstanding questions Wednesday from the House Oversight Committee. The Japanese sat at the witness table and looked stunned. Anybody would be with fifteen airbags going off in front of your face.
Dick Cheney was released from the hospital in Washington D.C. Wednesday after he suffered his fourth mild heart attack last week. He’ll be fine as long as nothing upsets him. Doctors ordered him to stay in bed for two weeks and get lots of Fox News.
Blair House hosted the health care summit Thursday near the Jefferson Memorial and the Washington Monument. Blair House is named for an old Maryland planter. The Lincoln Memorial is the only thing in Washington that isn’t named after a slave owner.
President Obama lobbied lawmakers hard for health care reform Thursday. At the end the president vowed to ram it through without Republican consent. If he can make it sound like a sex scandal everybody will stop calling him another Jimmy Carter.
President Obama hosted lawmakers Thursday saying he wanted bipartisan input on health care reform. Nobody’s mind was changed. At the summit’s end he threatened to go with the nuclear option, showing he’s tougher on Republicans than he is on Iran.
President Obama promised equal time to Republicans to get them to attend Thursday’s health summit. Once it started he declared he’s the president and time rules don’t apply to him. They all go in as Jimmy Stewart and within a year they’re Saddam Hussein.
GM announced the end of Hummer after Chinese regulators refused to approve its purchase Wednesday. It was a proven dual-use vehicle. The Hummer had to earn its stripes in the Persian Gulf War before being approved for Los Angeles drug dealer use.
The House Ethics Committee issued its finding on House Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel. They say he broke ethics rules by attending a conference where corporations were paying all the bills. House Ethics rules clearly state that the money must be securely wrapped and stored in the freezer so investigators think it’s a casserole.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.2.10