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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, February 12, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

  HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Weather Channel forecast another foot of snow in Washington D.C. Monday. The storm last week left three feet on the ground. It’s so cold in Washington that White House officials are suffering from a new ailment called middle finger frostbite.

Los Angeles ordered hillside homeowners to evacuate Tuesday as another wave of rainstorms approached. Disaster looms. All week the U.S. Olympic ski team has been in Los Angeles practicing for the downhill by standing on tract houses in the canyons.

The Winter Olympics begins Friday with the opening ceremony in Vancouver. Favorite sports include ski jumping, Alpine skiing, skiing and shooting, and skating. The Winter Games are held every four years to determine which nation has the best Germans.

Toyota recalled 400,000 Priuses Tuesday plus thousands of Lexus hybrids. It’s suspicious. President Obama must have known about the sticky accelerators and faulty brakes when he said the clean energy revolution’s unstoppable. 

New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton said Tuesday he slept with the Super Bowl Championship trophy in his hotel bed Sunday. He was deliriously happy. Three times during the night the ghost of Vince Lombardi had to tell him to watch his hands.

CBS got complaints about Super Bowl ads Tuesday from activists against elderly abuse. In various ads Betty White, Abe Vigoda and Tim Tebow’s mother were tackled and smashed to the ground. Public resentment over high payroll taxes is growing each week.

USC Coach Lane Kiffin got a verbal pledge Friday from a seventh-grader in Delaware to play for USC in five years. He’s only 13. It’s not clear why the Idaho Baptists are jailed in Haiti and Lane Kiffin’s free to walk the streets of Los Angeles.

Baby Boomers were reported Wednesday to be abusing prescription drugs in record numbers, threatening to increase health care costs. It is a statistical anomaly. Last year’s numbers were skewed by Michael Jackson’s autopsy.

The University of California Davis released a new medical study Monday showing that beer builds strong bones and helps to fight osteoporosis. At last they’ve figured out the way to get health care reform passed. It’s going to be a beer subsidy.

President Obama signed a directive Tuesday launching Michelle Obama’s campaign to fight childhood obesity, which she named Let’s Move. She’s getting a lot of support. Not 15 minutes after she launched Let’s Move, the Tea Party showed up to help her pack.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs blamed President Obama’s low poll numbers on the Bush years Tuesday. They blame Iraq on George H.W. Bush, they blame the economy on George W. Bush. Yesterday the president cut his finger and they blamed it on Rose Bush.

Minnesota drivers beheld a billboard Tuesday of a smiling George W. Bush next to the words, Miss Me Yet? It was paid for by people who wish to be anonymous. Ever since George W. Bush started going to recovery meetings he’s picked up a whole new group of friends.

The U.S. Senate grilled Homeland Security officials Tuesday on the Christmas Day airline bomber’s FBI interrogation. The terrorist talked for 50 minutes, then they Mirandized him, then he clammed up and now he’s talking again. Nobody’s buying the Justice Department’s original position that what happens in Detroit, stays in Detroit.


Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 2.12.10

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