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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, February 11, 2010 8:01 pm
By: argus Hamilton


HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The New Orleans Saints beat the Indianapolis Colts in Sunday’s Super Bowl. Polls said the Democrats favored the Saints while Republicans favored the Colts. After the game people just assumed that New Orleans got a fifteen-point bailout at halftime.

President Obama scheduled a summit in Washington this month to try to save his health care bill. He must do something. His job approval numbers are plummeting so fast they are on the scoreboard in Vancouver as the time to beat in the Men’s Downhill.

Los Angeles braced for more rains Tuesday after mudslides damaged forty houses last week. There’s always an upside. Los Angeles doesn’t have an NFL team but if we get any more rain we can probably trick the Saints into thinking this is their home field.

Dr. Conrad Murray was arrested in L.A. Monday for giving Propofol to Michael Jackson. The drug is so powerful that someone can cut you open and you won’t even feel it. Normally you cannot administer this drug unless you are a licensed IRS agent. 

Sarah Palin spoke to the Tea Party convention Saturday and she slammed Democrats and liberals and the media elite. It made Rich Little call his agent and scream at him. He had no idea that you can still make a hundred thousand dollars a night for Nixon impressions.

Haiti detained ten Idaho Baptists in Port au Prince after they carried away a busload of Haitian kids. They were going to take them back home and raise them in Idaho. The Balloon Boy hoax is now the world’s second creepiest attempt to get a reality show.

South Carolina’s former first lady Jenny Sanford wrote a book about how adultery wrecked her marriage to Governor Mark Sanford. She gave up so much by divorcing him. Jenny Sanford would’ve been the first lady of the Confederacy if Obama gets re-elected. 

Senate Republicans suggested using tax cuts as the way to get out of recession like Jack Kennedy did. He was a great economist. If tax revenues came within one million dollars of balancing the budget he’d make up the rest out of his dad’s pocket.

Men’s Health magazine named Fresno the drunkest city in America, followed by Bakersfield and San Bernardino. It makes sense. The three cities were settled by Oklahoma cotton farmers fleeing the Dust Bowl, and they vowed they would never suffer another dry day.

Toyota recalled eight models with sticking accelerators Thursday and a hybrid model with bad brakes. Prius owners are just miserable. Not only did they overpay for a car with computer braking problems, but there’s no such thing as global warming.

President Obama told Democrats last week that like it or not, America must have a sound financial system. It wasn’t his first choice. He just tasted the vegetables Michelle grew on the South Lawn and no one will trade him any cigarettes for them.

President Obama met with House Democrats to plan yet another push for passage of health care reform. The legislation died on Capitol Hill two weeks ago. The Republicans have an alibi, they were all in Massachusetts campaigning for Scott Brown.

President Obama used the National Prayer Breakfast last week to denounce people who question his faith or his citizenship. It’s time we get off the president’s back in this area. President Obama watches ball games instead of going to church on Sunday and he’s got troops all over the world, the man’s as British as the rest of us.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 2.11.10

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