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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, February 10, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

  

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Super Bowl beat the ratings of the last episode of M*A*S*H Sunday. It was second to opening night of the Persian Gulf War. The Super Bowl ranks in the history of entertainment just ahead of treating the wounded and just behind bombing the evildoers.

Washington D.C. got a record thirty inches of snowfall Saturday as a huge winter blizzard hit the East. Nothing got done. Everybody was ordered to stay home until Homeland Security had tested all the white powder to see if it was cocaine or anthrax.

Los Angeles mudslides threatened houses Monday after thirty inches of rainfall in two months. We’re going tropical. We’re ten inches away from coca bush growing putting an end to marijuana growing just as surely as the Seventies ended the Sixties.

Social Security announced Monday it’s losing money because people are retiring earlier. It’s shameful. If Betty White can get out in the mud and do a Super Bowl commercial at the age of ninety, there’s no excuse for anyone to retire at sixty-five.

Sarah Palin ripped Barack Obama in her speech Saturday for using Teleprompters, while she had crib notes written on her hand. Those weren’t speech notes. They were left over from when she was trying to get out of college in less than six years.

John Edwards was cited Monday as a reason why the Ten Commandments can’t be put in courthouses. You can’t post a notice not to steal, lie or commit adultery in a building filled with lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment. 

Forbes said Tiger Woods will make eighty million dollars this year with Electronic Arts and Gillette and Nike. He’s perfect for them. No one doubts that he needs running shoes, he knows something about close shaves, and EA’s Tiger game is now for adults only.

Kim Jong Il granted the release of two American hikers who wandered into North Korea. He announced it at his birthday parade. The population of North Korea is eighty million–forty million North Koreans and forty million pictures of Kim Jong Il.

Toyota’s chairman apologized on camera for the bad Prius brakes Thursday while giving a forty-degree bow. In Japanese culture, a ten-degree bow is an apology for a small slight, a forty-degree bow is an apology for brakes that don’t work, and a ninety-degree bow means that Barack Obama is in town meeting with the emperor again. 

President Obama praised a U.S. Navy corpsman in Haiti Thursday but he repeatedly mispronounced the word corpsman. Instead of pronouncing it core-man he kept saying corpse-man. He did get a nice note from Larry King, who thanked him for the free plug.

President Obama said Monday he’ll visit Indonesia next month. Their president faces daily protests from demonstrators who call him a big stupid water buffalo. President Obama wants some tips about how he can get his own popularity up that high.

CNBC business host Lawrence Kudlow was urged by New York Republicans Monday to run against Chuck Schumer for Senate. Kudlow is a recovering abuser of cocaine and alcohol who abandoned his Jewish faith to convert to Roman Catholicism. So if the New York voters can forgive him for serving in the Reagan Administration, he could get elected.

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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

published in The Messenger 2.10.10

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