Skip to content

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, February 9, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Hollywood Reporter noted Tuesday the ten biggest moneymaking movies of all time are action movies. Americans love their heroes to be wild risk-takers with no regard for their personal safety. In his next movie James Bond will drive a Toyota. The White House kept up its attack on Toyota Wednesday, saying that in addition to Toyota’s sticking gas pedals the Prius’s brakes don’t work. Don’t worry. Anybody in California will tell you that the Prius doesn’t go fast enough to even need brakes. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue hits the newsstands Friday, showcasing the most beautiful women in the world in bikinis. The models are filmed in exotic locations. It’s a great break for them after covering the world for Fox News all year. Tiger Woods was reported Friday returning to Accenture’s match play tournament in Arizona. The ratings should be great. Over the course of a week the field of sixty-four is reduced to one and if his wife doesn’t win this year she gets everything. Scott Brown was sworn in as U.S. senator from Massachusetts Thursday. Democrats weren’t sore sports at all. He moved temporarily into Teddy Kennedy’s old Senate office, but that’s just until they get a desk that’ll fit inside a Porta-Potty out back. The Tea Party convention got started in Nashville Friday. The organization is named after the Boston Tea Party, which was the first sign of revolt by American colonists against the British Crown over high taxes. Now taxes are so high that the first thing the convention did was apologize to King George and apply for reinstatement. House Democrats voted by a narrow margin to raise the nation’s debt ceiling by two trillion dollars Thursday. The total debt is now fourteen trillion. We may have cut back the space program but we haven’t given up on our quest to reach infinity. White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel apologized to the Special Olympics Wednesday for calling liberal Democrats retarded. It’s not fair. Liberals believe everybody deserves a medal and the Special Olympics requires actual achievement to get one. Al-Qaeda was reported Thursday to be stockpiling Botox as a WMD for a terrorist attack. People in Hollywood are excited. If we can get the Pentagon to invade Los Angeles for our Botox stockpiles, the reconstruction cash could put us back on our feet. The White House said Tuesday the Underwear Bomber is finally talking to interrogators. They should have kept it secret. Revealing his confession to the world lets the enemy know he’s talking, but the Republicans would have found out eventually. Broadway star Rip Torn was cited Friday after he broke into a Connecticut bank while drunk, then went to sleep on the floor thinking he was home. Nothing was broken or missing. Spencer Tracy told him when he was young the secret to success in the acting business is: Learn your lines, hit your marks and don’t fall over the furniture. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 2.9.10

Leave a Comment