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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Massachusetts voters go to the polls today to elect a U.S. Senator. At stake is health care reform. Republican Scott Brown was way behind just a month ago, but he’s coming up so fast that the Thoroughbred Association wants a urine test after the race. Conan O’Brien said Monday he’d quit the Tonight Show if NBC moves its timeslot to midnight. He may move to the Fox Network. If Conan O’Brien works for Fox he may have to attend twelve-step meetings to help him give up Sarah Palin jokes one night at a time. USC hired Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin, who angered the Volunteer fans by leaving. He’s begun recruiting Volunteer prospects to switch to USC. The Tennessee legislature declared him a Yankee general and voted to revoke his Confederate passport. Variety reported Blind Side’s box-office success launched five new faith-based movies. There’s a bidding war for God-and-Country scripts. If Hollywood had any idea that George W. Bush was good box office, they never would have been so hard on him. Avatar directed by James Cameron remained atop the box office Monday as ticket sales passed one billion dollars. You know the copycat nature of Hollywood. The next time they re-make Gone with the Wind all the slaves are going to be in blue face. The Justice Department gave up prosecuting John Gotti Jr. after four hung juries in New York kept freeing him. The city will be safer for it. Not even the Janitor’s Union struck the World Trade Center when John Gotti ran protection in lower Manhattan. President Obama told People magazine that he believes Tiger Woods can rehabilitate himself. His philosophy is simple. The president thinks anybody can look within themselves, find their flaws, and blame them on obscene bonuses for bankers. President Obama called for a ten-year tax on all big banks Thursday, saying the taxpayers want their TARP money back. The banks have paid back almost all the TARP money to the U.S. Treasury in less than a year, plus interest, but the president is still furious. It hurts the self-esteem of Democrats to see anybody pay off a loan. The White House ordered three thousand U.S. troops plus two thousand Marines to Haiti. The island nation was left with no government, no law enforcement and no tax collection. It took twenty minutes to explain to Republicans what the problem is. The White House agreed with House and Senate Democrats Thursday to cut out the proposed tax on union insurance policies in the health care bill. Instead it would raise taxes on nursing homes and drug companies. They’d like to bury the health care reform bill on the White House lawn, but Michelle is afraid it would poison the radishes. Lou Dobbs told ABC News Wednesday he will not run for public office and he will return to news. The voters are angry with him. The U.S. border fence would never have been built without Lou Dobbs, and now, no matter how bad the economy gets, we can’t get out. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.19.10

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