Female football would be a whole new ball game
Posted: Friday, January 8, 2010 8:01 pm
The capacity crowd of crazed fans is on its feet, cheering and chanting loudly.
The quarterback is waiting for the snap when the center suddenly straightens up, turns around and, through a cold sweat, nervously asks, “Do these pants make me look fat?”
And that’s what would happen if women played football.
Men just don’t care whether or not those body-hugging football pants make their behinds look broad — which always makes me snicker that some of them are called “wide” receivers and others “tight” ends — or even whether or not they’ll ever be able to remove those stubborn grass stains from their white pants.
Maybe that’s part of why women don’t play the game.
Well, that and the fact that football players’ personal stats include their heights and weights. Are you kidding me? A woman list her weight? In the kinder, gentler world of an all-female squad, we would list our “goal” weights and would shave off 20 pounds or so, much like we used to do when driver’s licenses listed weights.
On the other hand, if women did play football, just think how much more efficiently things might be run.
For example, a football game consists of four 15-minute quarters — yet it takes more like three hours to play a game rather than the 60 minutes you’d expect. Because women have mastered the art of multi-tasking, I believe we could get the game done in 60 and still have time left to fold the laundry, have a hot meal on the table and run a few errands on the way home from the stadium.
The only glitch in the system might be half-time. Undoubtedly, the mere 12 minutes or so allotted would have to be extended to allow women a little extra time to freshen up and re-do make-up before the second half starts. I’m also pretty sure the locker rooms would need more closet space and bigger bathrooms.
Of course, there would be no scantily-clad cheerleaders and the never-ending barrage of beer commercials would be history. (Honestly, how many true athletes do you know who have beer bellies anyway?) Instead, we’d have commercials for nail polish or shoes or the latest innovation in cleaning products.
Another thing of the past would be the sponsorship of bowl games by car care companies or fast-food chains. In female-friendly football, the big games would be sponsored by cosmetics companies or one of those women-only television networks.
My football fantasy aside, if the truth be told, I like football fine just the way it is and I wouldn’t change a thing (well, with the possible exception of cutting out the over-abundance of beer commercials). I’m married to someone who enjoys watching certain teams and it’s kind of nice to cuddle up and spend quality time watching a game together — even if I don’t know a right guard from a right tackle.
Still, there are certain things about the game of football that will always be a mystery to me.
I don’t understand why it’s OK for big burly men to pat each other’s behinds or chest bump or do other quirky things while wearing football uniforms that they would never-ever consider doing out of uniform. (Apparently, what happens in the locker room, stays in the locker room.)
It confuses me that punters are different from kickers.
I’m puzzled as to why there are so many bowl games (34 different ones from Dec. 19 to Jan. 7) and why some young NFL players are allowed to have long locks that protrude from their helmets and why frenzied football fanatics paint their chests and go topless in 20-degree weather.
And men claim they don’t understand women?
I think the score is even during football season.
Messenger Staff Reporter Chris Menees may be contacted by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 1.8.10