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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, January 7, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The New York Mets paid fifty million in taxpayers’ money to construction firms tied to the Mafia to build Citi Field. It’s such a shame. If they’d only named the field after the Gambinos instead of Citibank maybe people would take some pride in it. Anheuser-Busch shook up Madison Avenue Monday by hinting Budweiser may pull out of Super Bowl advertising in next year’s game. They want to focus their advertising on Facebook. Budweiser will be sorry when two-thirds of the people who click their ads turn out to be ten years old and To Catch a Predator surprises the CEO in the kitchen. GOP adviser Karl Rove asked for privacy Tuesday after he and his wife Darby were granted a divorce. It was the second divorce for the Republican strategist. The reason that Republicans love families so much is because they have so many of them. Honolulu’s mayor lobbied Hawaiian officials Tuesday to name Magic Island Beach after Barack Obama because it was a favorite spot during his childhood. The president spent a lot of time on the beach as a boy. That’s because the grade school wouldn’t allow smoking. President Obama put the U.S. Postal Service in charge of responding to an anthrax attack Wednesday. He likes symmetry. It makes perfect sense that postal workers should deliver the antidote when you consider that they’re the ones who delivered the anthrax. Brit Hume said on Fox News Sunday that Tiger Woods should convert from his Buddhist faith to Christianity as a way to change his life. The golfer is well on his way. He gave every comedian in the United States thirty minutes for Christmas. Cuba reportedly enjoyed a huge number of U.S. tourists over the holidays even as Cubans remain barred from flying to Miami. Cubans have figured out an easier way to slip into South Florida. They hide inside bales of cocaine and wash ashore undetected. Los Angeles Airport officials asked permission to give full body screenings to all passengers Monday. The machines don’t pick up liquids and plastics very well. If the screeners want to know if they’re real, they’re still going to have to squeeze. Joe Lieberman demanded Monday the U.S. stop transferring terrorists from Gitmo to Yemen. They pass through a Saudi art school for rehabilitation. The art school has a work placement office but all they ever get anyone is a contract to paint swastikas. The Burj Dubai opened Monday, becoming the world’s tallest building at one hundred sixty stories high. No one’s renting office or apartment space in it, and hotel floors are empty. Al-Qaeda calculated they can do more damage to the country by letting it stand. TSA chief nominee Erroll Southers ran into a confirmation snag Monday. The former FBI agent once checked up on his estranged wife’s boyfriends by looking them up on law enforcement databases. Now he wants to scan them at the airport and see how he compares. The Washington Post reported Monday that the White House is fighting with the Pentagon over the president’s plan to reduce the number of U.S. nuclear weapons. His stated goal is to abolish all nuclear weapons on earth. Up until Obama took office, only the Turks and the Armenians and the Arabs were still trying to fight World War I. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.7.10

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