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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, January 5, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 

HOLLYWOOD—God bless America, and how’s everybody? Russian scientists said they’re working on how to stop an asteroid from hitting the Earth in two decades. The timing is no accident. Now that global warming’s been discredited, asteroid deflection is positioning itself to become Al Gore’s next passion. Two and a Half Men starring Charlie Sheen enjoyed huge ratings on CBS last week after his drunken marital brawl. Marriage problems also helped David Letterman’s TV ratings. If Tiger Woods hadn’t quit golf the PGA would be outdrawing the Super Bowl. The New York Post quoted Tiger Woods’ close friends who say he’s shopping for rehabs. There aren’t that many to choose from. Addiction to cocktail waitresses is fairly common but the number of people who want to kick the habit is fairly small. Texas Tech coach Mike Leach was fired for locking a player in a shed for three hours with no cellphone, BlackBerry, GameBoy, Twitter or iPod. It was harrowing. The teenager hasn’t been alone with his thoughts in the dark since the third trimester. The Rose Bowl will host the BCS title game between Alabama and Texas Thursday. The two Southern schools last met for the title in the early Sixties. This was back when the Confederate flag only had thirteen stars on it, long before the current forty-eight. The White House resisted demands to profile passengers like the Christmas Day airline bomber. He’s the son of a prominent African with a Muslim name and he graduated from a top school. Homeland Security computers had him cleared to board Air Force One. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano declared victory on Meet the Press last weekend, saying that the failed attempt to blow up an airliner proves the system worked. The remark blew up in her face. No one knows how she got this bomb past security. European airports began installing full body scanners for all U.S. bound flights Monday. Great idea. They’re going to look at the naked body of every passenger who wants to fly to the United States and anyone who’s not good enough has to go back to the gym. The CIA revealed that Muslim cleric Anwar al-Awlaki personally indoctrinated the Northwest Airlines bomber in Yemen as well as the Ft. Hood shooter. It’s a classic Hollywood tale. A younger, better-looking Osama bin Laden is starting to take work away from him. Northwest bomber Umar Abdulmutallab’s website reveals he was frustrated by his desire for women so he agreed to blow his pants off. This is why we don’t have homegrown airline bombers in the U.S. Promiscuous women are America’s first line of defense. Times Square was evacuated Wednesday over a suspicious van parked where the New Year’s celebration would take place. The suspicion was unwarranted. The only common belief in both the Muslim world and Western world is that nothing can kill Dick Clark. Dick Cheney ripped the White House for trying the airliner bomber in civil court and downplaying terrorism. He sounds like a candidate. Dick Cheney is determined to prove that Sarah Palin isn’t the only way Barack Obama can be re-elected. President Obama’s people deflected criticism Thursday by insisting the airline security system was designed under President Bush. We all know this game. President Bush’s people blamed President Clinton for not capturing Osama bin Laden, and President Clinton’s people blamed his personal secretary for closing the office door. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.5.10

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