Stuck between Christmas and New Year’s Day
Posted: Wednesday, December 30, 2009 8:01 pm
It’s a strange time of year. Christmas is over and the new year is not yet upon us. Only a few days left of unbridled eating. Like a lot of you, I’m feeling pretty fat and sassy right now. Pie. Italian Crème Cake. Homemade rolls. Eggnog. It was all there. I smelled it. I ate it. I’m now sitting on it. I would go on a radical diet but it’s the end of December and everyone knows that dieting in the month of December is bad luck. Besides, you should never diet when there’s left over Italian Crème cake in the house. Dieting is for months like January when the leftovers consist of stale Ritz crackers, dry turkey and weird Jell-O.
This strange period of the year is also good for contemplating life’s twists and turns. Some things are a mystery and should be treated as such. For example, Aunt Gladys sent your family a lovely set of unicorn wind chimes from Topeka. Merry Christmas! She saw the unicorn wind chimes … and you were the first person she thought of. Don’t over analyze this. Just accept it. Listening to the sound of colliding ceramic unicorns is now part of your destiny. Don’t fight it. All you need is the $99 singing deer head to complete the picture. I know. Feel free to polish off the pecan pie. And yes, I agree. Therapists should be offering extended post-holiday hours.
What are your big plans for ringing in the New Year? I’ve always dreamed of having “big plans” for the New Year. I’ve watched too many movies. Movies and TV have sought to convince me that most people spend New Year’s Eve dancing the night away at a swanky high-class banquet hall. Designer gowns. Giant shrimp puffs. Who are they kidding? Most people in mid-America are wearing sweat pants, eating Doritos™ and going to bed at 11:05 after saying, “Dick Clark doesn’t look a day over 40.”
Our New Year’s Eve plans are pretty predictable. I say things like, “I really have to stop eating tomorrow. I’m serious. No more. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Don’t ever let me eat another bite of food as long as I’m on the face of the earth. No, really. If you see me reaching for a Tic Tac™, slap my hand.” Sometimes we get industrious and make plans to organize the hall closets and keep better tax records. We take occasional breaks from planning our resolutions to search the house for remaining sugar-filled contraband. After the ball comes down, we give a cheer (a quiet cheer, so as not to wake the children.) Welcome to our world.
This year may be different. We’re both feeling a tad adventurous. Sometimes small town folk throw caution to the wind. What if my husband and I fly to the Big Apple? Wouldn’t that be something? Please watch your TV closely on New Year’s Eve and let me know if you see two West Tennesseans waving and holding up a poster board sign which reads, “We just flew in from Dresden, Tennessee!” My husband will be wearing a black tuxedo. I’ll be wearing a red evening gown. My gown will be designed by a person famous for designing evening gowns for people who eat excessive amounts of Italian Crème cake. If you don’t see us on TV this year, you’ll know we decided to wear the tuxedo and the evening gown in the living room of our rural West Tennessee home. We may even scoot the couch over and have some ballroom dancing. At 11:05, we’ll break out the shrimp puffs (or Doritos) and we’ll give a quiet cheer. Happy New Year to all!
For more information about Lisa Smartt, visit her Web site lisasmartt.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.30.09