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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, December 28, 2009 9:16 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The U.S. Senate passed a health care bill Thursday allowing the U.S. to take over one-sixth of the economy and forcing citizens to buy private insurance. It could have a happy ending. Imagine the Confederacy with no slavery and a border with Canada. Congressman Parker Griffith of Alabama switched to the Republican Party Monday, citing philosophical rifts. Democratic leaders are getting less and less respect. Texas auto repair shops have begun giving out Nobel Peace Prizes with each oil change. President Obama delayed going on his Christmas vacation to Hawaii on Wednesday until the Senate passed a health care reform bill. The president deserves a break. He’s tired of dealing with Washington and he’d like to relax in the water with sharks. Hollywood’s Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins announced Tuesday they will divorce after twenty-five years together. He cheated. Susan was rummaging in the attic Monday and found an old letter to Tim from Ronald Reagan thanking him for his support. President Obama sank to a fifty-six percent disapproval rating Monday as Tiger Woods scored a fifty percent disapproval rating. There’s more public empathy for an adulterer than a socialist. Everyone’s tempted to cheat but nobody’s tempted to share. USA Today reported Friday that personal breathalyzer test kits are big sellers this fall. This way you can have a few drinks with dinner, then test yourself to see if you can drink more. Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy but the Bible says love your enemy. Tiger Woods’s wife Elin reportedly hired Beverly Hills divorce attorney Sorrell Trope. She’s angry that Tiger won’t go to rehab for sex and drugs. A married man can forget his mistakes, there is no use two people remembering the same thing. The U.S. Senate dropped the tax on elective plastic surgery from the health care bill Monday and instead put a tax on tanning salons. It’s just a budget gimmick. You can’t claim a cost savings of a hundred billion dollars by wiping out skin cancer. JFK Airport had a riot in the Delta terminal Wednesday when passengers waiting to board flights to Haiti stampeded over long lines and flight delays. You can’t make it up. The economy’s so bad that people are trampling each other to get to Haiti. USA Today reports a boom in the synthetic turf business in Southern California due to the water shortage. It’s severe. Ever since the EPA reported last year that there were trace amounts of cocaine in L.A.’s drinking water, they can’t keep it in stock. Hillary Clinton convinced Germany Thursday to send five thousand German troops to the Afghanistan war theater. They have very exacting demands. The German Army refuses to go anywhere unless the emcee introduces them as star of the History Channel. The FAA spent five million dollars on a three-week conference in Atlanta which included drinking contests, dancing on tables and propositioning female undercover reporters. It’s nice work if you can get it. Hugh Hefner was just forced to sell off Playboy Enterprises because his employees kept leaving to work for the government. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.28.09

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