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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, September 8, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama enjoyed himself at the AFL-CIO picnic in Cincinnati over Labor Day weekend. He loved the food and the company but he refused to play softball with reporters. The whole idea of a holiday is to get away from your everyday routine.
President Obama gave a speech to the AFL-CIO Monday, to school kids today, and to Congress Wednesday. If you want to honor Labor Day, somebody should organize the White House speechwriters so they don’t have to work under these sweatshop conditions.
The White House warned Saturday that half the country could contract swine flu this fall. Immunologists say the danger is to elderly and young people. Swine flu appears to be a Baby Boomer plot to inherit the money and get rid of the competition.
O.J. Simpson was denied release from prison by the Nevada Supreme Court Friday. His lawyers made a strong case. They said if Scotland can release the Lockerbie bomber because he’s got terminal cancer, Nevada can release O.J. because it’s football season.
White House adviser Van Jones was quoted Friday admitting he’s a communist. They think everything must be equal. Communists thought it unfair in Dallas Saturday that some beer vendors got the Oklahoma section while others got the Brigham Young section.
The New York Times cited a new medical study Saturday saying people over sixty who drink moderately have a lower risk of Alzheimer’s and dementia. The news gets even better. It turns out that liver disease improves the solvency of Social Security.
The Labor Department reported Friday America has its highest unemployment rate in twenty-six years. It’s bad. Labor Day used to be a day for picnics and mattress sales but now it’s a solemn hoilday when people light candles in memory of their jobs.
President Obama proposed giving Americans one thousand dollars a year for every two thousand dollars you put in a retirement savings account. They’re going to have to print money to pay for this. It’s a great idea unless you are a bondholder or a tree.
President Obama gives a speech to America’s school children today. Who planned this fiasco? School doesn’t even start until Wednesday in Los Angeles, Boston and New York, allowing Fox News to report that forty million children boycotted the speech.
House Minority Leader John Boehner asked the networks to give the GOP airtime to respond to the president’s speech to Congress. They gave it to him. If Republicans win control of Congress next election, he’ll be the new Speaker of the House and Nancy Pelosi will be forced to sue the Miss California Pageant to get her crown back.
Mad Men was renewed for a fourth season by AMC Thursday. It highlights all the drinking and smoking and sex in the office at a Manhattan ad agency in the Sixties. If America hadn’t gone and rebuilt Europe and Japan, work would still be this much fun.
Cape Cod beachgoers were frightened Saturday when they saw a Great White Shark offshore. Everybody’s moving in on Teddy’s Senate seat. After fifty years, people in Massachusetts might finally have a senator who could have reached Mary Jo Kopechne.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.8.09

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