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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, September 4, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Michael Jackson was placed in a mausoleum Thursday next to Walt Disney and Three Stooges star Larry Fine. He’s between a cartoonist and a stooge. They wanted to find an appropriate resting place and they finally settled on the Low Comedy Pavilion.
Japan’s Democratic Party enjoyed a landslide victory in Sunday’s election. The party wants to break away from the U.S. and project Japanese power in the Pacific. In a related story, today’s Hawaiian independence rally in Honolulu has been canceled.
Diane Sawyer was named nightly anchor for ABC World News Tonight Tuesday. She was the prototype for the blonde, beauty pageant-winning news reporter. Today’s list of Fox News reporters proves that Diane Sawyer was the original Octomom.
President Obama will personally appeal to Congress for health care reform next week. He thinks he can win them over with his own story. His mother had no coverage and was turned down by hospital after hospital until finally, he was born in a manger.
The Vatican issued an edict Wednesday instructing practicing Roman Catholics to pray before they have sex. The church wants the faithful to invite God into the act of procreation beforehand. Screaming his name 15 minutes later doesn’t count.
The White House announced Wednesday that President Obama will address a joint session of Congress next week and lay out his plan for health care reform. The president is writing the speech himself. It will be the second eulogy he’s given in two weeks.
Levi Johnston told Vanity Fair Sarah Palin wanted to adopt her daughter’s baby to conceal the pregnancy. He’s making a lot of this up. If he’d really been a sex slave in Sarah Palin’s back yard one of the news helicopters would have seen the shack.
New York’s former governor Eliot Spitzer was reported Monday to be mulling a political comeback with a run for the U.S. Senate. It doesn’t sound like he’s completely rehabilitated yet. He’s asked that all donations be made in four-thousand-dollar bills.
Hillary Clinton ordered a probe Wednesday of U.S. Embassy guards in Afghanistan accused of partying with booze, hookers and deviant sex. She said she won’t tolerate that kind of behavior, but she doesn’t have a lot of credibility. There is no corner of the globe that doesn’t know the story about her husband and the cigar.
Sesame Street’s Elmo starred in ads urging kids to wash their hands and sneeze into their elbows to avoid swine flu. Creativity makes it fun. Once the vaccines are ready they are going to bring out Tickle Me Belushi and urge kids to get injected.
California firefighters saved the TV towers atop Mount Wilson Tuesday. Network broadcasts could have been destroyed by the blaze. In order for President Obama to address Los Angeles next week he would have had to materialize next to a burning bush.
Iraq announced it will release the journalist who was imprisoned for throwing his shoes at President Bush at a Baghdad press conference. The shoe manufacturer in Turkey sold hundreds of thousands of the shoe he threw to fans in the Arab world. For the next month, everybody who wanted to sell anything was throwing it at President Bush.
Boston Red Sox legend Curt Schilling said Tuesday he may run for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat as a Republican. Don’t miss the swearing-in. When he places his hand on the Bible to take the oath of office, he’ll deny taking steroids just out of habit.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.4.09

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