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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, September 3, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York’s former governor Eliot Spitzer hinted Monday he may run for the Senate next year. His career was derailed by a sex scandal when he was outed as a call girl client. Perhaps no one can fill Teddy Kennedy’s shoes, but the race is on to try.
The U.S. government pay raise for civil servants was lowered to just two percent on Monday. They deserve a raise. Now that civil servants are running the U.S. automotive, banking and housing industries, the taxpayer has never gotten a better bang for the buck.
Southern California was declared a disaster area Monday. Federal officials say they’re applying the disaster management lesson of Hurricane Katrina. The lesson is, push the flames toward wealthy people with insurance, then let the lawyers sort it out.
President Obama spoke of the approaching swine flu epidemic in the Rose Garden Tuesday. He urged everybody to sneeze into their elbows. This way only square dancers will transmit swine flu to each other and it’ll only kill Republicans.
Great Britain denied Tuesday that they released the terminally ill Lockerbie bomber for a Libyan oil deal. It would be morally repugnant. We’ll liberate Kuwait for oil, we’ll invade Iraq for oil, but showing mercy for oil is a line even Dick Cheney won’t cross.
Dick Cheney was touted by a Wall Street Journal columnist Tuesday as the ideal Republican candidate for president. Don’t laugh. Dick Cheney has tremendous name recognition across America, and if he can overcome that he could be our next president.
President Obama held a Ramadan dinner at the White House Tuesday for diplomats from Mideast countries, U.S. Muslim activists and the head of the PLO mission. The Secret Service runs background checks on everybody who comes into the building. That’s why President Obama had to break into the house when he got back from Martha’s Vineyard.
Moammar Khadaffi celebrated his fortieth year as dictator of Libya Monday. All geologists say the crude oil in Libya is the lightest and sweetest in the world. It’s the only oil allowed to carry the Johnny Walker label on the side of its barrels.
U.S. Postal Service officials met in Cuba about resuming mail service Tuesday. It’s due. For fifty years mail has gone from Miami to Washington and then to Haiti before ending up in Cuba, and that was just for letters that were sent from Miami to Orlando.
George Will wrote Tuesday we should only do in Afghanistan what we can do from offshore. Great idea. There’d be a lot less violence if poppy farmers wired their money to the Cayman Islands instead of leaving all that cash lying around in the cave.
The White House said President Obama will spell out his requirements for a new health care law in a speech next week. Congress fumbled the ball. Under Nancy Pelosi’s leadership, HMOs have gone from being the most hated symbol of corporate greed in America to the greatest symbol of liberty since France gave us the statue.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi changed the on-hold music for callers to the Capitol this summer from patriotic songs to smooth jazz. Caller outrage over the change just forced her office to change it back. The transition from Yankee Doodle to smooth jazz has been a flop with the public, and the change in the music didn’t go over either.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.3.09

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