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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, August 14, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Obama tried to sell health care reform at a town hall Tuesday. He is not getting a lot of help from allies. He walked outside thinking he’d made the case for government-run health care when Cuba announced they were out of toilet paper. Chancellor Angela Merkel’s cleavage was displayed on German election posters on Monday. Her female opponent says her own bust is bigger and has more to offer Germany. German boobs don’t scare anybody, it’s their rocket scientists that did all the damage. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took to the dance floor at a welcoming gala in the Congo Tuesday. She danced and swayed in a line with a dozen local women. By coincidence, that’s exactly what her husband was doing at that moment in Las Vegas. Scores gentleman’s club in New York’s manager Ed Norwick slammed Miley Cyrus’s pole dance on TV Monday as age-inappropriate. His strip club is a familiar address. That’s because 200 politicians list it as a second residence for tax purposes. General Motors unveiled its Chevy Volt in Detroit on Tuesday. They say it only uses 40 cents of electricity a night. This isn’t a problem until they tell you they are pulling the plug on grandpa so that there is enough electricity to go around. Tiger Woods held a press conference on the Golf Channel Tuesday to rip the PGA for putting Paddy Harrington on the clock Sunday. Ratings were huge. Only the Golf Channel can guarantee a dispute that won’t end with everybody calling each other Nazis. Michael Vick appears on CBS Sixty Minutes this Sunday in an interview with NFL Today host James Brown. The interview was taped last week in which the quarterback apologized for what he did. He promised he’ll never again arrange a town hall meeting. The White House admitted Wednesday it distributed pro-health care reform signs at President Obama’s town hall. The audience applauded his every word. It looked so staged that the actors’ union demanded that everyone in the crowd get health insurance. President Obama will address the Veterans of Foreign Wars convention Monday in Phoenix. He will discuss the United States’s responsibility to maintain the world’s finest military to defend America from her enemies. He recognizes there are times when you need a faster way of killing people than giving them government health care. The National Guard was still not deployed at the Mexican border Wednesday due to a dispute over funding. This Congress doesn’t believe the Guard should be used to seal the border. They believe they should be used for lightbulb changing enforcement. White House officials flew to Michigan Wednesday to inspect a prison where they may relocate the terrorist suspects from Guantanamo. Picture the possibilities. A year from now, Michigan license plates will carry the motto, Great Satan’s Winter Wonderland. The U.N. Secretary-General said the people of the world have four months left to save the planet from global warming. Americans laughed it off. This country was stolen from the Indians, introduced tobacco to the world, employed slaves and dropped two atomic bombs on Japan and if that doesn’t bother us, why should carbon emissions? The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers began searching for World War I chemical weapons buried in Washington D.C. The diggers halted work when they found mustard gas in a flask. Even 90 years ago people brought their own refreshments to football games. ——— Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 8.14.09

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