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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, July 29, 2009 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Bud Selig was reported Monday considering ending Pete Rose’s lifetime ban from Major League Baseball. The poor guy. Twenty years ago Pete was given the choice of managing the Cincinnati Reds or managing the Stardust, and he chose the wrong path.
Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated to pro football by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. The league office stipulated that the quarterback can’t play in a meaningful game until week six. So if he signs with the Detroit Lions, September’s a go.
Paula Abdul said Friday she may be terminated by American Idol this fall after eight seasons. She makes four million a year and is demanding twelve million. Until something is done about prescription drug prices, she cannot afford to work for less.
President Obama invited the Cambridge cop and the black professor to the White House to settle things over a beer. Both parties still insist they’re in the right. Whenever neither side is willing to back down, the best thing to do is to add alcohol.
Cambridge police released the burglary call from the black Harvard professor’s neighbor Monday. She said the burglars were Hispanic. Now the professor is outraged that a casual observer didn’t think black people were capable of breaking into a house.
President Obama called the arrest of Professor Henry Gates a teachable moment in race relations Friday. The cop asked the black professor for ID, and the professor cussed out the officer and insulted his mother. In other words, both sides overreacted.
President Obama apologized Friday for saying the Irish cop reacted stupidly in arresting the professor. Did he know that’s an ethnic slur? It’s like saying a black cop reacted shiftlessly, a woman cop acted emotionally, or an L.A. cop reacted harmlessly.
The L.A. Police Department was freed from federal oversight Thursday after eight years. They can no longer use the consent warrant. That’s where one cop knocks on your front door then another cop runs around to your back door and shouts, “Come in!”
L.A. sheriffs opened an investigation into the coroner’s office Tuesday after photos of Michael Jackson’s corpse were sold to tabloids. It’s not the worst thing that could happen. It’s better than the next two generations telling the tabloids they just saw Michael Jackson at a roadside Stuckey’s.
Washington D.C. hosted a doctor’s conference Monday to address America’s obesity epidemic. They said poverty is the leading indicator of obesity. Empires have come and gone over the centuries, but we are the first one ever to feed the poor to death.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing for his infidelity. Actually, he wrote two. He wrote one editorial for the state newspaper apologizing for his adultery and another for Penthouse Letters bragging about his staying power.
Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska in a speech Sunday and she came out swinging against the news media. She was just an economic crisis away from being a heartbeat away from the presidency. Comedians are in grief counseling over her loss.
President Obama urged taxing private health insurance policies Saturday to pay for health care. He called them gold-plated Cadillac benefits. Wouldn’t you know the moment a Democrat took over GM the first thing he’d do is slap a tax on Cadillacs?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
pUblished in The Messenger 7.29.09

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