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Argus Hamilton 7.21.09

Argus Hamilton 7.21.09

Posted: Tuesday, July 21, 2009 3:49 pm
By: By Argus Hamilton

The Messenger 07.21.09
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Walter Cronkite was eulogized as America’s greatest news anchor on Friday when he died at age 92. His was the 12th celebrity death in three weeks. The only explanation is that the world is experiencing an outbreak of swine fame disease.
Elizabeth Taylor left the hospital Saturday after undergoing treatment for her grief over Michael Jackson’s death. She spent two weeks under heavy sedation. That is not so much a tribute to Michael Jackson as it is an impression of Michael Jackson.
Tom Watson thrilled the golf world Saturday by seizing the third round lead in the British Open at Turnberry. The joy was short-lived. After Tiger Woods missed the cut, Judge Sonia Sotomayor ruled that the cut was flawed and should be tossed out.
John Daly shot his way into contention at the British Open Friday as the crowd in Scotland went wild. He’s good at thinking ahead. Before his flight to Scotland he remembered to pack a case of Miller Lite and that was for the trip to the airport.
Hollywood movie star James Caviezel suffered cuts and bruises when a man threw a bicycle into the path of his motorcycle in Seattle. The actor who starred in “The Passion of the Christ” is refusing to forgive him. He doesn’t want to get typecast.
President Obama used his radio address on Saturday to try to salvage his goal of passing health care reform. Support is collapsing on Capitol Hill as the lawmakers read the fine print. The only part of his plan that isn’t communist pays for abortions.
The White House urged Congress Saturday to pass a health plan that insures all Americans. The need is growing. A health report Friday shows that thirty percent of Americans are attached to a machine at home which keeps them alive — the refrigerator.
The National Governors Conference was held in Biloxi last weekend but economic woes kept thirty governors at home. It just is not a good time for governors to travel. No matter where you go, voters think you’re in Argentina seeing your mistress.
Hillary Clinton flew to India and Thailand and Indonesia Saturday. It’s labeled a state visit but it’s more like a scavenger hunt. She’s quietly offering a $25 million reward for a certified copy of the president’s birth certificate.
The Treasury Department tried Thursday to hire contractors who could conduct Humor in the Workplace seminars. They refused to allow ethnic jokes, sex jokes, President Obama jokes or jokes on the U.S. government. They were forced to cancel the contract when the only comedian who met the requirements was sworn in as senator from Minnesota.
Dan Quayle was interviewed by the Associated Press Saturday in the Nevada town of Stateline. He’s a casualty of the Internet age. Ten years ago, Dan Quayle was heir to a vast chain of newspapers and today he’s a greeter at the Buffalo Bill Casino.
The White House ordered 1,500 National Guard troops to the San Diego border Saturday. Drug smuggling, gun smuggling and immigrant smuggling are rampant. The drug and gun smuggling are highly profitable but the immigrant smuggling doesn’t make any sense unless they are simply staying in practice for when we have jobs again.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at the Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.

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